"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

This is my public confession.

Before I go into the details of this post, I want to let everyone know that I have been MIA from writing lately but it's because I'm starting to enjoy life again. My social life is "thriving" (using that word only because that's where I feel I should be rather than where I actually am). On the real though, I am being more social as well as working and going to school. Who would have thought I'd be here a year ago?! ...A big thanks to the people that believed in me!

Okay. So. I can't really avoid what this post is truly about for much longer given that the title is probably cause for concern. 

Breatheeeee...and I say that not only for you but myself as well.  This post is really not as alarming as it sounds. 

I'm struggling, but DON'T FREAK OUT.

I'm not in a "bad" place. At least not compared to where I used to be. In fact, I'd say I'm doing fairly well all things considered and I'd like to think my treatment team agrees. (I don't know how they'll feel after reading this, but I also don't think it'll be a game changer). I've been pretty honest with them.

I'm coming up on my one year mark for cutting and I'm nervous. Not because I don't think I'll make it; I know I will. I just know that in the past things have not worked out for this long and part of me is bracing myself for the worst. Like they say, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. ...I guess?

But honestly, that's not really what I'm struggling with. I'm actually just struggling with food and body image. And I know the word "just" minimizes the situation but what can I say? I'm a minimizer.

My nutritionist is on maternity leave. She actually just left about two weeks ago. We have been preparing for this for over a month and it's not something that was new to me. In fact, we did the best we could preparing for this gap. It's only for a couple of months so I'm really not looking for a new nutritionist or anything of the sort, just support.

Part of me knew this was coming, but I wanted to believe I could do it on my own. As some of you know from experience, and others through reading this blog, Ed is a sneaky bastard. I was doing good at quieting his "voice" in my head (y'all know what I mean by voice right? I'm crazy, but not THAT crazy), but lately I can't get him to shut up. 

I haven't been following my meal plan. I have been restricting, and I'd like to think it's not on purpose (i.e. I'm too busy to eat), but that's a lie. If everyone else can find a way to eat three meals a day then so can I. 

Also, I'm feeling really guilty when I do eat. Every part of me wants to purge but I've been fighting that off as much as I can. It hasn't been perfect, in fact I'd be lying if I said I haven't done it in the past month, but I'm trying really hard. 

Many of you might think I'm doing this for attention or to try to lose weight but really, my nutritionist and I have figured out that on the weeks I use behaviors, my weight tends to go up. Now that could be water weight or my body starting to go into survival mode, but part of me wants to think that's my eating disorder talking... but factually, my weight does go up. So no, I don't do this for weight loss. I really don't know why I do it.

I've heard all the explanations, from "purging emotions" to "control" to whatever else. I know all about it. At this point, it's not anybody's job to figure that out but me. I don't want you to tell me that I'm beautiful just the way I am or that I can do this. I know I can.

I guess I don't really know what I'm looking for when I say support. Maybe it's just someone to listen or probably even someone to read this post. Maybe it just shows me you care.

Whatever the case, whatever "support" means to you, I could use some of that.

Hope everyone is doing well and know I'm always here to listen. I don't have the answers and I may not even know how to respond, but I know that someone listening helps a lot.



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