As much as I'd love to be superwoman and say I can do it all, I've got to admit that I can't.
I've been doing well for the most part. I signed a lease for an apartment in April, I havent acted on self harm or eating disorder symptoms since I can remember... (not purposefully at least).
I have found a job as a nanny that I absolutely love. For over two years now I've been out of treatment and just working with an outpatient team. It's ridiculous how quickly time goes by.
Two years. More than that actually.
I don't think that anyone will understand until you've been through it what PTSD is like and what body memories are. Until you feel someone touching you and hurting you in your most private places you can't tell me that "you know".
So here is my confession. My PTSD symptoms have been acting up, especially at night. I feel the touch of man who isnt there and should never have been there. I get panic attacks. I don't sleep.
I've also been keeping secrets that aren't mine to keep. But those will come out on their own time.
To deal I've been turning to my klonopin. I've been relying too much on my klonopin and am up to 8-12 mg a day. I know this isn't healthy, and I know that quitting cold turkey is even more dangerous..
Which is why I've decoded to admit myself to the Seay Center to withdraw from the benzos altogether. I'll be gone for hopefully 3 days maybe 4.
Your prayers and well wishes are more than appreciated.
PS. I am a warrior... Stronger than I've ever been. -Demi Lovato "Warrior"