"You need not fear the terror of the night, Nor the arrow that flies by day"

     This weekend has most definitely been the most amazing weekend of my young life. I never thought I would say that after Getaway retreat in ninth grade, but this weekend has topped that by far. I received, or more appropriately, I felt God's grace and never ending mercy more than I have in my entire life. For the first time ever I truly felt alive.

     It's funny because I have said that so many times in the past, but I've realized that feeling happy or not feeling at all is not necessarily feeling alive.

     This weekend hurt. It hurt a lot. In fact, it hurt worse than having been stabbed with a dull knife and having it twisted up inside of me. Personally, I feel like it hurt me more than most people simply because of where I was at in life before retreat, but it ended up being the best, most pure pain I have ever felt. We are each so beautiful, and our stories are so perfect.

     I have no doubt that my Jesus loves me. I have no doubt that he loves each and every one of us. I so wish I could go into details but it would completely ruin the element of surprise for all future retreatants. My soul desires for Him still. I want to go out and tell the world, yell at the top of my lungs that our Jesus loves us!

     There are angels among us. Real life angels. Call me crazy if you'd like, but if you knew my story, and you knew what I know now, you would believe me. You would be just as crazy about all of this as I am.

     I'm not saying that I'm not hurting inside. I'm hurting more than I have for a very long time. I feel like that is a good thing. An amazing thing. It feels so great to hurt. I would rather feel pain, feel broken, feel incomplete than not feeling at all. This pain makes me realize how much I still need to learn, to grow... how much I desire to be with Him.

     You remember that wall I have been talking about lately? I broke through it this weekend. The tears came. Actually the tears have not really stopped... all weekend. I broke down, I felt love. Real love. Love that I haven't felt in a really really long time.

     I carry that love inside of me now, it's that love that's going to help me go on. It's going to wrap around me and keep me warm on a cold night. It's going to pull me out of the darkness, the shadows. This love is real, it's unconditional, it's accepting, sisterly, the only other way to describe it is just simply lovely, Heavenly love.

     I went into the retreat with a a couple friends and few acquaintances. I came out with fifty-eight  sisters. Real sisters. Sisters that listen and care. Truly care. Sisters that I know I will be able to talk, pray and cry with. Sisters in Christ. When I begin to feel alone in this world, I will be able to look back and see the love that so many people have for me and I for them.

     If you have never been on an ACTS retreat, I recommend you go. Whether or not you are Catholic isn't as big a deal as you just going and living away from the craziness that is life. I hope I get invited to be part of a team. It would be an honor to make someone else feel as loved as I did this weekend.

     The most important thing I learned is that each and every one of us is broken, we each have our crosses. I learned that the same way the Simon helped Jesus carry his cross, so too do we need to be Simons for one another. Life isn't mean't to be walked through alone, that's the beauty of it all.

     "...those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint."

~Isaiah 40:31

P.S. In need of prayers for a very special friend, for myself and for all the women that attended this retreat. I'm on day 17 and day 3. ....Yes, day one got put off for some time. I've also realized you can't get always get what you want when you want it. Those sorts of things are done on God's time. It's His time now. I'm going to keep going, I will be strong. I've had a very special someone praying for me for thirteen weeks. In the past thirteen weeks I have set such a strong foundation for this weekend, that it's no wonder things happened the way they did. My candle is lit. It will stay lit... and when it burns out, I will buy another candle. My light for God will never go out and my strength will always be for Him, through Him, in Him and with Him. Go ahead, call me a Jesus freak. 

Sometimes you just have to force yourself...

     There's something about writer's block that makes me go crazy. I'm not one to get it often, but I do I get it bad. This happens to be one of those times. It's been over a month since I wrote ANYTHING other than essays for school and such. It's about time I get something out here, anything. 


     Being honest is hard as it is, but truly allowing yourself to open up to others, showing them a side of you that not even you have shown yourself before really takes guts. I've taken to being real lately and it's paid off so far. I stopped lying to myself about who I'm interested in and why, I stopped lying about what I want in life, for myself and for others. 


     As much as it hurts to speak the truth, it has proven to be the best gift I could ever give myself. 

I spoke the truth today. 

     I've torn my insides to pieces these past couple years and it was about time I came clean. I said it thinking nothing of it, thinking it was just another thing to add to my long list of burdens, but the second I let what I said off my chest, I could feel like I could breathe a little easier. I don't have to lie anymore. I can be myself. Sometimes it's okay to put on a mask to get by, but when you spend every waking second with a bag over your head that bad becomes like water torture. It gets heavy and you feel like taking it off. But, you tell yourself, ...but I've had it on for so long. No one really knows what I'm about. The truth is, everyone around me sees the real me, I refuse to believe it's me and I've spent two years beating myself up for it. It's time to change. Time to be who I was made to be. 

    Speaking of being real, I've also stopped pretending not to care for someone who I obviously care a lot about. They've done the same and I think we've both grown to be very happy around each other. I think this is the person I'm supposed to be with (knock on wood!) but I'm not going to get my hopes too far up. We've all seen what that can do! I'm keeping it real and taking it easy. This is something new, something different... way different but I'm enjoying it. Like a breath of fresh air. Funny, that's twice now that I've referred to my lungs...

     Perhaps this is a female thing and it definitely is off topic, but do you ever have those days where you feel like crying? Everything inside of you just wants to let go and get rid of all the toxic waste  built up inside of you (pun intended).... I've been feeling like that, for a month already. I'm beginning to think that  that's the cause of my writer's block. I'm working on it, I promise I'll be back to my normal ol' self before you know it! 

This is all I got for now. 

Peace to you tonight, 

Bella

P.S. Pray for strength. I'm on day seven and fixing to start day one. Don't ask, just pray.  

Sometimes it's not a stranger, a friend or even a boyfriend that makes the difference... 

Sometimes all you want is for one person to look you in the eyes and say, 

'I couldn't have made a more perfect you. You are beautiful.' 

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” 

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross