Welp, I made it to 30.
I'm still learning to hold space for different feelings at the same time. DBT I guess? Both and..?
Anyway, I turned 30 and even though this is supposed to be a "big" one it wasn't all that different. I had a good day. Worked a half day thanks to my awesome boss, had lunch with my mom- stayed in and played card games with my parents that night. Nothing major but had a decent day.
Today has been weird. I woke up in a bit of a funk- Grief, I guess. My sister and brother in law visited with Abby and I was able to get away from it for a while. Seeing them and getting some bonding time with Abby is always a blast. I'm very happy I got to see them.
Now I'm sitting at home, remembering the day India and I drove to Lake Texoma simply to sit, write and breathe for a bit. Decompress. She wrote and posted a blog about how much she was struggling but she was holding onto Hope for herself and for others. She still believed in God even though she was broken so badly by religion. She titled that post, "To the ones whose life will be changed". She started by saying that everyone keeps telling her that her story would change someone's life one day. She's no longer with us and I wonder if I am the one.
Losing India changed me.
I will not get to know what she had to tell me. Ever. I still have 21 years to wait to find out what she said in her note. I am holding her story and mine. I will be one year older than she was when she passed when I finally get to know what she had to say. Grief overtakes me sometimes but I know in my heart of hearts I want no one else to feel this way.
Losing India changed me.
I'm doing well. I'm not where I'd like to be but I'm getting there. I have a new job that I love. Admittedly, sometimes I think I don't know what the heck I'm doing but I will get there. I am officially a car owner thanks to an amazing gift from someone very special to me. ZaZa is getting old but she's still with me. I'm working on getting my own place. I have an amazing niece who gets wiser each time I see her. Parents that love and support me in many ways. In some ways, I couldn't ask for more. Yet- there's a side of me that isn't happy. I can't help it- chemical imbalance is what they say. There's a part that replays the childhood trauma, the assault- the pain- over and over and over again.
So, here I am. I am holding onto hope. Imagining I am at Lake Texoma, sitting with India talking about how someday our stories will make a difference in someone's life. I know now I will never again attempt to leave this world on my own accord. And man is that hard sometimes.
"I know how alone you feel. I am here, out in this huge world, praying for me and fighting for us."- India DuBois
As I wade through the Grief, Fear, and Anger I sit side by side with Hope, Strength, and Perseverance. I can acknowledge the good times along with the bad. Not all days are bad anymore and that's been amazing to see. I hope as time goes on I can still hold our truths, our stories just as tightly and feel Happiness even more.
Hey look Ma I made it!
Love,
Bella
