"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Say what?!

My teacher stole two dollars form me the other day. Just saying. I gave her two dollars for two brownies that I paid for and made, and she made pay to take them... Then proceeded to put the money in her pocket. Messed up? ...more than just a little.

Since we're on the topic of stealing, I watched a little (well, she was big actually) old lady get escorted out of Wal-Mart today for stealing. It's funny when you first think about it, but also sad and disturbing at the same time. First off, if you're going to steal, don't do it at a store where people are constantly watching the cameras, and second, don't be completely obvious about it. Here's how it went down:

  1. Little old lady walks in and pays for one thing.
  2. Little old lady takes between 8-10 bags and walks out to get a cart..
  3. Little old lady walks in again and goes straight to the pharmacy and proceeds to stuff each shopping bag with Ensure (drinks for diabetics...?)
  4. Little old lady walks out with over $100-200 worth of stuff
  5. Little old lady puts things in car
  6. Little old lady walks back in, buys more stuff and leaves.

Day two:

  1. Little old lady walks in.
  2. Little old lady shops..
  3. Little old lady goes to pay but is shocked when manager pulls out a pack of Ensure and says "Recognize this?" ...
  4. Little old lady gets escorted out.

Okay, it was absolutely pointless for me to write all that, but you have to admit that it was funny.

Considering where I work, it's probably not surprising that so many funny things happen when I'm at work. But of course, along with all the funny stuff comes all the sad stuff. I almost broke down in tears the other day.

I was checking out an elderly couple, and as usual I greeted them and tried to make a little small talk but for some reason they weren't really talking back. I figured they were just 'grouchy old people' and decided to just hurry up and finish their transaction. As I was finishing up I heard the wife say, "Ron! Ron! Are you paying attention?"

"Yes I am! Whada ya want?!"

"Get the grocieries! ..Ron! Get the groceries!"

I was starting to get angry because the old man wasn't paying attention and the old lady was just demanding him instead of simply asking. I grabbed the bags and handed them over to the man one by one and he politely took each one and said 'thank you' over and over. A little confused I got back around to my register and started the next transaction as the older couple headed down towards the doors. The old man stopped by the exit and leaned on his cart while the lady came running back as if she had forgotten something.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Thank you very much. And I apologize for everything, Ron has alzheimer's. "

I was speechless. In that one moment all my anger went away and all I could think about was what an awful person I had just been. I hadn't said anything rude, but I still felt terrible about all the mean things I had thought. I wanted to cry but instead just told her that it was no problem and I hoped she had a nice day.

It's moments like those that I know God sends me to remind me that He's always watching. That he knows what we're feeling, thinking and wishing. God sends us those moments not only for our benefit, but to keep us in check. The little old couple was a reminder for me. It was sent to remind me that patience is one of the fruits of the spirit. One of the fruits that I need to work on. I can talk the talk, but so easily forget to walk the walk.

It's time I change some things. My grandmother has had symptoms of Alzheimer's for over a year, the doctor hasn't officially said it's Alzheimer's but he's constantly checking up. That couple could have easily been my grandparents and seeing how I would have treated them absolutely disgusts me.

If I could, I would go back and start over, but since I can't do that, I'm just glad I got to learn from it and hopefully become a better person through it.

I have so much to write about, but not enough time to do it. Something good is coming soon.

"When you do a good deed, make sure you know who is benefiting form it; then what you do will not be wasted. You will be repaid for any kindness you shoe to a devout person. If he doesn't repay you, the Most High will." Sirach 12:1-2

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I Slept On Cardboard the Other Night.

Lent is over.

I can't decide if I'm happy about this or sad. I started Lent giving up a lot of stuff. I gav up coffee, sodas, candy and anything else that is 'bad' for you. After two days I gave up on the coffee thing because I am addicted. I had these horrible migraine headaches and I just couldn't take it anymore, although I stayed strong on the not eating anything bad part of it. After three weeks of this I started to really think about Lent and then realized that what I was doing wasn't for God at all and that I needed to change my lifestyle before things got bad (again). So instead of giving things up, I took things on. I challenged myself. I told myself that by doing this I would 'get better' and honestly, I'm glad I did. That's pretty much all I'm going to say about that because that's as personal as I'll get, but the whole 'taking things on' and challenging myself really made Lent more of a 'God and Bella' type of thing. It was a more personal experience and I truly enjoyed it. I just hope I can keep up with it.

So anyways, on Thursday night I went to this lock-in that I've been trying to go to for the past three years (it always gets cancelled) and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty much awesome. I'm not going to say it was life changing, but it was an eye-opener. We always see what homeless people go through, and we can sometimes even relate to the poor... but to actually spend a night outside in the cold and on the hard ground, it was just 'wow'. That's pretty much the only way to describe it.

I'm staying very pretty much surface level today because I feel like pretty soon I'm going to break. Any little thing feels like it could send me off the edge, but at the same time I feel like I need to write it out. Here goes nothing, but it's the nothing that's on my heart...

We talked a little bit about Richard at the lock-in. It hurt but felt good at the same time. I thought I was over him, and I want to be over him but something is holding me back. Richard has all of me, and at first that was okay, but now there's this new boy and he asked me out so I said yes. ...The thing aobut that is that I said yes because he asked me out, not because I actually want to be his girlfriend. Actually, it's not that I don't want to be his girlfriend, I mean he's a great, sweet and amazing boy, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be with him. I just met him. I like him, but I love Richard.

I love Richard.

That's my problem. Richard was and is my biggest mistake. How can I learn to forgive myself when I gave Richard the one thing that I told myself my entire life I wouldn't give away. I can't forgive myself, that is my real problem. I'm not even sure I love Richard, I just hate myself. I don't feel good enough for anyone else. I shower everyday, but I never feel clean. I don't know what it is. I've drawn a blank.

I don't think I can write anymore for today... Jacob is great, I'm just being dumb. I have to give him a chance; maybe he can be the boy that proves all others wrong. I need advice.
I'm so confused, my heart is aching
I don't know what I should do.
One mistake, my world's been shaken.
I shouldn't have listened to you.
Love's a lie, it's nonexistent,
But still I feel it next to him.
The hugs and kisses feel so distant,
I'm sorry babe, it's all so grim.
Trying hard, my best foot's forward,
I am sorry, but I can't commit.
Being with you just feels so awkward,
When I kiss you, I'm kissing him.
It hurts so bad, this barely started,
But we can fight for what it's worth.
It'd be much better if we both parted,
I'm too selfish, too full of sin.

Okay, so poem sucked. It's what's on my heart. I have a feeling I'm going to be taking this one down. It's an honest blog, but a personal one too. Any advece for me friends? ...It's obvious that I need it.