"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Monday, November 21, 2011

Leaving Ed and Meeting Jenni.

My sister was with me when I met Jenni. She seemed reluctant to come at first and even asked me if she was going to be the biggest person there. What she didn't know was that I had already concluded that I would be the biggest person there. Ed had already told me so.

The night before as both of us got increasingly anxious she asked me what my plan was. Are we going to eat breakfast before or after? Do I want to get there early or right on time? How many people are going to be there? Is the dog coming? Are you sure? ...And that's only a few of the many questions asked that night. 

I felt like I was doing a great job of letting go of Ed. After all, I did tell myself that in order to meet Jenni I had to be back on track to recovery. Little did I know that Ed was controlling my every move. I isolated myself in my room and spoke as little as possible. Sure, the behaviors were gone but his voice was stronger than ever. Ed answered my sister for me. 

Are we eating breakfast before or after? After. I can't have food in my stomach when I meet her. She's already going to think I'm fat. I have to be good tomorrow. No food until after. 

Do I want to get there early or right on time? Early. We can't be right on time, then people will think we are lazy because we slept in so late. We have to make a good impression. We leave the house by eight no matter what. 

How many people are going to be there? I don't care. It's not about how many people are there, it's about making a good impression. 

Is the dog coming? Yes, of course. Ellie needs to come, she's a distraction. She will get everyone's attention and take it off of me. Ellie is cute, fun, everything I'm not! 

Are you sure? I can never be sure of anything. Enough said, Ed's words.

My sister quickly responded with a sarcastic yet insightful, "You're going to meet Jenni and walk for recovery's sake and you're not eating breakfast first?" She was right. She moved past Ed's walls and got to me. We decided to get breakfast before the walk. 

In the morning we were so nervous about finding the park and getting there early that we decided to get breakfast after the walk. We got there early as Ed wanted us to and Ellie was definitely a distraction. She found Waldo and played with a mini-horse all while allowing me to stay behind-the-scenes. 

I spoke with Jenni, gave her a hug, she signed my books and we took pictures. It was amazing. 

Hearing her speak helped me tremendously and according to my sister, it also helped her understand me better. She "get's it more"... whatever that means. 

I have come to realize that my vegetarianism is not necessarily for my best interest but Ed's. I want so badly to eat some turkey with my family for Thanksgiving but Ed is playing games. I can't do it because I'm weak. I can't do it because it'll prove that everyone else is right. And, perhaps most convincing of all, I can't eat it because it has been so long since I had meat that it might make me sick. If it makes me sick then Ed will take over and want me to keep being sick because most of the time that's what he likes most. I probably won't be eating turkey THIS Thanksgiving, but realizing that someday I should gives me hope. I'm on the road to RecoverEd. 

I have my New Year's resolution set already and believe it or not, Ed's not really involved. I'm going to keep it to myself for now, but I promise that I will tell you about it before the year ends. :) 

My goal for this post was to write more about stuff that doesn't involve Ed or me whatsoever but I have to distract myself right now. I have to get my mind away. Concentrate. I proved to Ed that I could beat him time and again this week. I have exhausted my resources and am on my last straw right now. I know I can do this. I WILL do this. 

I figure that if you've taken the time to read all the way through this, maybe you will take the time to give me some support... Some words of encouragement. Anything to take my mind off of Ed. I'll use my readers as my support team tonight because my will is not enough right now. If you don't want to comment below, you can email me at: isabellasanpedro@yahoo.com 

I can use any and all advice. And remember, no matter what happens, it's okay to be happy. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

He called me Little Debbie.

He called me Little Debbie in ninth grade and I don't think I will ever forget it. He looked at me in the eyes and said, "How do your cakes taste Little Debbie?"

Honestly, I didn't even know who or what Little Debbie was, but context clues told me he was calling me fat. I knew I was fat, I could look in the mirror and see that, but I was happy too. Summer of ninth grade was the first time I ever made myself throw up, a one time occurrence.

In tenth grade, walking home from school my "friend" asked me what I wanted to do after college. I told her I would love to be a veterinarian, but if that didn't work out, a journalist. She said neither would work and I needed better plans because I wasn't good enough at math to be a doctor and I didn't have a wide enough vocabulary to be a journalist. That was the year I came to know God. I turned to Him through the struggle, the pain.... both physically and emotionally, because that was also the year that my self-injury was at its peak.

The following school year I made a friend that would properly introduce me to Ed. Not that she wanted to, but we soon learned that Ed travels quickly from one person to the next. He's not a one girl type of guy and don't we know those are the hardest to leave. They can be so charming!

I've made a firm decision to leave Ed, but it's the most difficult thing I have ever done; even debilitating at times. When all you want is control, Ed knows how to control you. He plays a good game, but I know I can play it better.

A couple things have kind of caught me off guard this past week or so. I had asked a trusted friend, a sister, to keep me in her prayers thinking that, like most others, she would say a prayer and get on with life... Well, about a week ago when I walked in to the youth building just before going upstairs to teach my class she said hello and with a careful glance said, "Have you been keeping it up?"  I didn't have the heart to lie and say I had, but knowing that she remembered, that she cares... It meant more than anything.

I have a tendency to not speak in truth, I don't necessarily lie, but I don't speak with the whole entirely honest truth. And well, someone called me out on it today. It surprised me but it was good because it makes me see what I need to work on. I might be real in my writing, but it's incredibly difficult for me to speak honestly. She didn't just call me out and moved on, she told me that I don't need to be afraid around her. That she's going to be there no matter what. She told me she cares. Everything else she said mattered, but when she said that she cares... I needed to hear that. We don't hear it often enough.

I'm not perfect and I've come to terms with the fact that I never will be. I will strive to be my best, not the best. I want to be healthy, not skinny or fat... And to be honest, as J.K. Rowling said, "Is fat really the worse thing a human being can be? Is fat worse than vindictive, jealous, shallow, vain, boring, evil or cruel? Not to me."

A vendor that works with me came up to me not too long ago and said, "Hey Tubs! You're looking good!" The confused and probably hurt look on my face led him to explain that he had seen my old Facebook pictures and that he thought I had come a long way and was "looking good". He obviously doesn't know that looking good isn't as important as feeling good.

The pictures show my best friend and I from the end of eighth grade to the end of senior year. The first picture brought on the "Tubs" comment. You tell me, is Little Debbie happier with or without Ed? 

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.
~ 1 Peter 5:8

P.S. God is wonderful. I spoke with Jenni Schaefer, if you read my last post you probably know that I kind of idolize her, and she told me she's giving a talk in Austin on November 19th and that it be cool if I went and could meet her! I dismissed it knowing that I can't take a weekend off work for that, especially the weekend before Thanksgiving. Besides, I haven't gone to visit my sister, it would be wrong to take a weekend off for her and not my sis.Well, it just so happens that my boss wanted me to work Tuesday (a day that I usually can't work because I'm in school) and take off Saturday (the 19th!). Seriously, no one knows how incredibly excited I am about this. I'm going to see my sister and meet someone that I look up to! God is GOOD even when you can't always see it!