Warning: This post may not make sense to anyone but me. :P

After something left me pondering today, I looked back at an old blog and found something that dates back to March 27, 2008. The title of the post was "Something Simple":

"Good." She looks at me and smiles. "Just wanted to make sure you could say it." I try to smile back, but the corners of my mouth now feel too weak to even resemble a smile. I try again. Feelings of happiness and shame are running through me. I am content to have finally said it, but the shame, the shame of knowing what I did simply takes over, and it hides it all. I had gone six months. Six awesome months. Half a year of not worrying, and in an instance I let it all go. 

But of course, I accept it. This is me.

Turns out that I went through the exact same thing twice today. Funny how we can feel things but not express them, know things but not admit them... There's something liberating about being able to just be real with someone, anyone. 

A certain someone and I were playing text Truth or Dare tonight and got to asking some pretty deep 'truths'. On one of them, the question was, "If you could change one thing about yourself would you? If so, what?"  I answered with a pretty general answer so as not to give out the 'wrong' information; truth hurts sometimes and we tend to stay away from it. After sparking his curiosity I quickly said, 'Next question!' to which he replied, 'I think I have a clue but I'll let it go, I choose T[ruth]'.

My question was, of course, 'Okay, you think you have a clue? Take a guess!'

To my surprise, this boy had remembered a Facebook status that I wrote probably over a year ago in binary code about the certain answer I had given him. He was absolutely correct about what I was thinking when the only thing I had said were these exact words: "Hmm, well the one thing I would adjust, not fully change, I'm already working on :) And you can find out after it's done. :P Not during." 


Now, I'm not posting this in order to make you wonder what we were talking about, although some of you could guess, I'm sure. There's more to it than meets the eye. Our conversation goes hand in hand with the one from my previous blog post and the one I had with someone earlier today. Why is it so hard to speak the truth?

Sometimes I wonder if that's why it was so hard for Peter to stand up for Jesus when the time came. He knew the truth, he felt, he stood up for it behind closed doors, but when it came time to actually say it, to live it... It became just like how we live our lives today. Suppressing feelings and emotion that we bring out only when we can be sure that it's safe, away from judgement and shame.

I've learned that sometimes it's okay to feel that shame. Sometimes we need to feel it. It keeps us real, keeps us alive; it keeps us being how we were created to be! And let me tell you, when you find the courage to admit that you are broken, that's when you'll begin to feel the greatest joy there ever was.

Only God is perfect... But we were made in His image. 

P.S. I was also extremely impressed that this certain boy remembered something I posted in binary code over a year ago. I'm starting to believe in Disney movies again! 

...And on a different note, since I began with an excerpt from the very first blog post I wrote, I'll end with one also! 

I am an ordinary girl.

At least I would say I am. Others, on the other hand, would say that I am the furthest from ordinary. What is ordinary anyways?? If ordinary means having to wear the popular brands, and having to listen to AND own the popular CDs and appliances, then I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be different. I want to make a change in the world. I'm not going to say that I want to stop hunger, and that I want world peace, because those are the obvious ones. Those are the ones we all dream about, knowing it will never happen.

I want to show others the power of the Lord,

and how it can come through in everyone.

I want a chance to teach.

A chance to learn.

All I ask for,

Is a chance to be me.

 

Their Love, Our God

     Today was the first day that Father Bradley gave the 6pm Mass at our parish, and just like all other 'first-days', it was obvious he was nervous. All in all, it was a good Mass; he speaks extra slow, but I guess it's not his speed that matters, it's the quality of what he says... right? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind long Masses whatsoever, I just get anxious when there are so many random loooooooong pauses.

Anyways, what I really wanted to write about...

     There is something about a love that two souls share that leaves me speechless; when the two souls are able to add a third without leaving anyone out... that's true beauty.

I'm not talking about polyamorous freaky stuff.

     Sitting in front of me at church tonight was a couple a bit younger than my own parents, but not by much. They held hands throughout Mass, and at one point the woman put her arm around the man's hips while he kept his tightly around her mid-back. They are obviously still very much in love. It fascinates me when people, after being married for so many years, can still keep the fire burning (or at least lit!)... How I wish my future holds a love as true! 

     When it came time to go up and receive Eucharist, in my opinion the most important part of Mass, I began to feel like their affection was a bit much and it was time to calm it down. They went up to receive God's gift to us, His son's most precious sacrifice, and we followed soon after. 

     Kneeling at our pews I watched as the couple sat down, kneeled and held each other. The man with one arm around his wife's stomach, as if protecting her entire being, the heart, and most importantly, her womb. His left arm cradled around her back and met his right hand with his fingers interlocked. 

     She laid her head softly against chest, fitting perfectly under his chin. Her arms wrapped around his body, tight but not as tight as his. She was allowing him to protect her, although neither was overbearing or showing more strength than the other. 

     Most captivating of all was the way the couple prayed together. They held each other in with such devotion and love, together looking up at their maker, praying... as one.

     I just don't know how to explain it, but I wish you would have been there because it truly was out of this world. I felt like an intruder more than anything else. Although it sounds like I was all up in their business, I promise I stayed out.

     I hope to someday share in a love like theirs; it was stupendous, majestic, crazy, sacrificial, beautiful, and holy. All that a marriage should be. 

Peace to you tonight, 

Isabella

Sitting in the Silence.

    The explanation for this post is short, and it will be kept short. :) Last night I thought of going to the chapel, but I stayed home because it was late and I got scared that even though it was a church, there are still bad people out there and 'you never know'... Plus I wasn't going to tell anyone that I was going, so I decided to stay home. Well, reason I was going to go in the first place was because I really wanted to write but I had a bit of writer's block going on and I couldn't think of anything to write.

Right before bed I said a a prayer, opened my laptop and wrote three lines. Nothing more would come to me so I gave up and went to sleep. Well, I woke up this morning and thank God I had my laptop already opened to 'Pages' (the equivalent of Word) because the rest of this poem just poured out from the inner most part of my heart. I must have been dreaming that I did go to the chapel because honestly, nothing can really explain what made me write this... Well, I guess my short story got made long after all. Here's the poem He made me write...

Sitting in the Silence

Sitting in the silence,

It’s the loudest that it’s been;

See the walls around me

As they’re slowly caving in. 

Alone my thoughts surround me,

They are screaming for my Friend

I look up and say a prayer, 

Stay away from how I’ve been

Not too long till He’s beside me

Calmly whispering---

“In this empty chapel, Love,

You shall never feel alone,

It’s small, and you’ve come late,

My Love, but for you I will postpone.

I’ve spent all day, all week and year

Just to meet my bride again

So please wont you come near, Love

And tell me how you’ve been”

Well... This is kind of weird God,

I don’t really see You as my groom,

Aren’t I supposed to get married,

And have some kids, I presume?

“You’ve been my child all your life,

But now I think you know,

That once your earthly life is over,

I’d like you all for my own; It’s a bit uncanny,

Love, but it has been so long...Don’t you remember 

At fourteen, we changed a stone for a cross?”

My God! That was a promise ring,

I told you that I’d wait, 

But now you’re asking for too much--

To marry YOU instead..?

Listen, God, I’ll tell You what,

Why don’t we part for now?

I’ll raise a family of my own, 

We’ll go to church, 

Learn about Your Son

We’ll build a home,

Where others will gather,

We will sing Your songs

But I’m sorry Lord I just can’t 

Marry you now! 

“Don’t worry my dear, And please don’t cry...

I’ve waited a lifetime, I really don’t mind.

I’ll send you a Lover,

And you’ll start a new life,

You’ll have a daughter

And I’ll make her my wife.

Remember, when you’re ready,

That I’ve waited so long,

Since fourteen I have been waiting,

I’ve been singing you my song--

‘Oh how beautiful you are, my darling!

Oh how beautiful you are!’”

Don’t start this now, I can’t bear to hear,

It’s late and I should go,

And I know it’s been a while, but...

Sitting in the silence,

It’s the loudest that it’s been;

See the walls around me

As they’re slowly caving in. 

Only my thoughts surround me,

They are screaming for my Friend

I look up and say a prayer, and I

Tell Him how I’ve been

Not too long till He’s beside me

Calmly whispering---