"Good." She looks at me and smiles. "Just wanted to make sure you could say it." I try to smile back, but the corners of my mouth now feel too weak to even resemble a smile. I try again. Feelings of happiness and shame are running through me. I am content to have finally said it, but the shame, the shame of knowing what I did simply takes over, and it hides it all. I had gone six months. Six awesome months. Half a year of not worrying, and in an instance I let it all go.
But of course, I accept it. This is me.Turns out that I went through the exact same thing twice today. Funny how we can feel things but not express them, know things but not admit them... There's something liberating about being able to just be real with someone, anyone.
A certain someone and I were playing text Truth or Dare tonight and got to asking some pretty deep 'truths'. On one of them, the question was, "If you could change one thing about yourself would you? If so, what?" I answered with a pretty general answer so as not to give out the 'wrong' information; truth hurts sometimes and we tend to stay away from it. After sparking his curiosity I quickly said, 'Next question!' to which he replied, 'I think I have a clue but I'll let it go, I choose T[ruth]'.
My question was, of course, 'Okay, you think you have a clue? Take a guess!'
To my surprise, this boy had remembered a Facebook status that I wrote probably over a year ago in binary code about the certain answer I had given him. He was absolutely correct about what I was thinking when the only thing I had said were these exact words: "Hmm, well the one thing I would adjust, not fully change, I'm already working on :) And you can find out after it's done. :P Not during."
Now, I'm not posting this in order to make you wonder what we were talking about, although some of you could guess, I'm sure. There's more to it than meets the eye. Our conversation goes hand in hand with the one from my previous blog post and the one I had with someone earlier today. Why is it so hard to speak the truth?
Sometimes I wonder if that's why it was so hard for Peter to stand up for Jesus when the time came. He knew the truth, he felt, he stood up for it behind closed doors, but when it came time to actually say it, to live it... It became just like how we live our lives today. Suppressing feelings and emotion that we bring out only when we can be sure that it's safe, away from judgement and shame.
I've learned that sometimes it's okay to feel that shame. Sometimes we need to feel it. It keeps us real, keeps us alive; it keeps us being how we were created to be! And let me tell you, when you find the courage to admit that you are broken, that's when you'll begin to feel the greatest joy there ever was.
Only God is perfect... But we were made in His image.
P.S. I was also extremely impressed that this certain boy remembered something I posted in binary code over a year ago. I'm starting to believe in Disney movies again!
...And on a different note, since I began with an excerpt from the very first blog post I wrote, I'll end with one also!
At least I would say I am. Others, on the other hand, would say that I am the furthest from ordinary. What is ordinary anyways?? If ordinary means having to wear the popular brands, and having to listen to AND own the popular CDs and appliances, then I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be different. I want to make a change in the world. I'm not going to say that I want to stop hunger, and that I want world peace, because those are the obvious ones. Those are the ones we all dream about, knowing it will never happen.
I want to show others the power of the Lord,
and how it can come through in everyone.
I want a chance to teach.
A chance to learn.
All I ask for,
Is a chance to be me.