"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

What's on my mind.

A little over a month ago I picked up a pen and paper in my apartment and I started to write what I thought would be my last words to the world, but by the time I was halfway through I wrote a promise to reach out before doing anything. I read through a list of things that I had to do before I could take my own life. I had to say good-bye to everyone I cared about, I had to write a will and make sure I had someone to take care of my dog, I had to do at least three of my favorite things, go out to my favorite restaurant, talk to my therapist one last time and several other "last minute" things. After I did all these things, I told myself I could take my own life. Turns out that after spending less than five minutes looking into my puppy's eyes I changed my mind. She's worth more to me than I am to myself and I know I can't leave her.

See, I wish I could explain to you how depression works but I can't. I can't explain how I wake up one day full of life and the next I can't get out of bed. I can't explain how being off my medicine for more than one day makes the suicidal ideation come back full-force; I can't explain it but it does, it happens almost in the blink of an eye and I absolutely hate it.

I keep reading things that talk about how suicide is "the most selfish thing a person can do" and it tears me apart inside because this thought process is so so wrong and so distorted. A suicidal person is not thinking about what will happen after they die. They just want the pain to go away. They want the brick that is constantly weighing down their chest to be lifted. They want to see colors and light again. They want to enjoy food and not just eat to survive, if they can even do that. I used to see the commercials on TV advertising anti-depressants and think how cheesy they were, but really, depression is just like those commercials. It's a constant dark cloud over your head, it's a weight tied to your body that makes it near impossible to move. It's a knot in your throat that you can never choke back. It's nightmares every night, insomnia, loss of appetite, it's a living hell... So sure, to the people that have never experienced depression or suicidal ideation, suicide is selfish, but to those of us that live with this shit every damn day, suicide may seem like the best thing we can do for ourselves and those around us. We feel like no one likes to be around a person that constantly needs help or support, no one likes to be with someone like us and we realize that it's really not fair to put our family through so much grief. So that's why suicide may seem like the best option. In our reasonable mind we may know it's really not, but our emotional mind blocks out our reasonable mind and that's where we better hope that our wise mind speaks the fuck up. To those who actually go through with suicide, it's probably the most selfless thing they can think of doing. They are probably thinking about their loved ones up to the very last second... so please, I know our opinions may differ, but please stop saying that suicide is selfish...

The death of Robin Williams is tragic. It shouldn't have happened but it did and there is nothing we can do about it now but learn from it. Our mental health system is fucked up and it's about time we realize it and do something about it before we lose more and more people. Robin is not free, he is dead. The greatest (arguably) comedian of our time is dead, and no amount of money or fame could change that, nothing can change that. What we can change is how we talk about it and how we educate both the public and professionals when it comes to suicide and depression.

The first time I went to a psychiatrist almost seven years ago, she told me that purging was a part of growing up and that cutting was just "something that some teens do". She didn't put me on medications, refer me to a therapist, nothing. THIS WAS A PROFESSIONAL! After seeing her, I went to a doctor (MD) and I let him know I was purging, he weighed me and since I was not below a certain BMI he told me I would be fine and sent me on my way. It wasn't until about a year later that I found a therapist who I admitted to that I was  throwing up blood before someone told me that what I was doing was not okay. It took over a year for me to get the help I so badly needed and deserved.

I don't have the solution to this problem. I don't know that anyone does, but it's something we need to talk about. We need more people to share their stories and experiences, we need to make it a bigger issue instead of minimizing how big of a problem it truly is. We need to STOP SHAMING those who struggle. 


It is absolutely okay to ask for help and I encourage you to do so. It is okay to take your medicine, pray all you want to pray, but unfortunately praying will not fix chemical imbalances in your brain... Take the meds that are prescribed to you. Go to support groups. Call the Hopeline, 1-800-394-HOPE. Call your best friend and let them know you're struggling. Show this to someone you need support from. Share this with your friends so they know you support them no matter what. 

People can tell you to "grab the bull by the horns" all they want, but they obviously have no idea what it's like to be thrown off that bull time and time again. I do, and I think you need a break. You deserve a break. So please, if you're having a difficult time pour yourself a glass of water, take some deep breaths and do something to take care of yourself, force yourself to do something that used to make you happy, you never know what could happen when you do. 

Tonight I forced myself to write this blog and share it with the world although it's been over a year since I shared anything on my blog. I didn't want to do it, but I knew it could help... and it did! Do something nice for yourself during the next few days. 

Remember that I love you, I care about you more than you can imagine. I need you to be here with me.

Peace to you tonight,


PS: Here's a link to some self-care ideas.