"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Mood: Lonely (and loving it!)

I have literally sat at this tiny Starbuck's table staring at the computer screen for a grand total of twenty minutes; I have finished drinking my Grande White Chocolate Soy Mocha and believe it's definetly time to get to writing. With so much to say and so many emotions I still cannot find the way to put all the different words together.

As I was going to close this webpage and decide that maybe it's best to leave my writing for when I am in a different state of mind, the man sitting next to me whispered to his wife, "Most people identify themselves by their greatest failures".

That man speaks the truth. He speaks the most thruth that I have heard in all of today. I enjoy conversing with truthful people.

Everyday I am reminded of the bad things I do, I usually forget to think of all the love I give to others. I forget my ability to smile through the good and the bad. I forget. Forgetting leads me to thinking that perhaps that is the reason that I sit and wonder why things happen.

In all honesty, sometimes I can't help but sit with my sorrows and wonder "why?"

I know that God loves each one of us equally and that His love is more powerful than any feeling or emotion we can ever experience, but if the Lord is so powerful why does he allow Satan to tempt us? Why does he allow Satan even near us? Why?

I have been told several times that God does us no harm, and personally, I have no trouble believing that. Perhaps it is because I'm standing on unstable grounds right now, but what I seem to have trouble with is the concept of Him allowing or not stopping temptations and sadness from entering our lives.

For example, if I set aside my not so great habits, I know that I a generally a good person. I do good to myself and to others. I love, I live and I laugh. But even with all the good things I do I still seem to be constantly hurting and getting put down. As soon as I see myself getting on my own two feet and being able to fight for myself, I get hurt in some way or another. Why?

On the other hand, I am eternally grateful that God has put so many wonderful friends here to help me through times like these. I know that although I may not understand why things happen or why people act the way they do I know that in the end it is all going to be okay.

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For you are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Broken... Not Shattered

In the midst of work and school along with church and love I have found myself drowning in my thoughts and yearning to write. The feelings are pouring out from the very pit of my being and I really can't help myself. I have felt so much love and hatred, mercy and grace, understanding and regret in the past couple months that it truly is incredible. To be quite honest, I have been a roller coaster of emotions and have found myself wondering if 'loving' is truly worth it.

It was last April that I said I wouldn't let myself love again. Well, just like any normal person, I slowly grew out of that and put myself out. I gave my everything to someone and only got their something in return. I'm not going to lie, I was warned by several people many times, the red flags were all over the place and I always knew he wasn't 'The One', but I thought I'd give it a chance.

I dug my own hole and with every kiss got deeper and deeper. Now the dirt is up to my neck and it feels impossible to get myself out. Everytime I look in the mirror all I see is my ignorance and their faces. Every minute I spend at work makes the know in my throat get bigger and tighter... But I'm okay, I always am.

It's time for the superhuman adreline rush to kick in. I need to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. 

"Not everything that is faced can be changes, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." -James Baldwin