The night before as both of us got increasingly anxious she asked me what my plan was. Are we going to eat breakfast before or after? Do I want to get there early or right on time? How many people are going to be there? Is the dog coming? Are you sure? ...And that's only a few of the many questions asked that night.
I felt like I was doing a great job of letting go of Ed. After all, I did tell myself that in order to meet Jenni I had to be back on track to recovery. Little did I know that Ed was controlling my every move. I isolated myself in my room and spoke as little as possible. Sure, the behaviors were gone but his voice was stronger than ever. Ed answered my sister for me.
Are we eating breakfast before or after? After. I can't have food in my stomach when I meet her. She's already going to think I'm fat. I have to be good tomorrow. No food until after.
Do I want to get there early or right on time? Early. We can't be right on time, then people will think we are lazy because we slept in so late. We have to make a good impression. We leave the house by eight no matter what.
How many people are going to be there? I don't care. It's not about how many people are there, it's about making a good impression.
Is the dog coming? Yes, of course. Ellie needs to come, she's a distraction. She will get everyone's attention and take it off of me. Ellie is cute, fun, everything I'm not!
Are you sure? I can never be sure of anything. Enough said, Ed's words.
My sister quickly responded with a sarcastic yet insightful, "You're going to meet Jenni and walk for recovery's sake and you're not eating breakfast first?" She was right. She moved past Ed's walls and got to me. We decided to get breakfast before the walk.
In the morning we were so nervous about finding the park and getting there early that we decided to get breakfast after the walk. We got there early as Ed wanted us to and Ellie was definitely a distraction. She found Waldo and played with a mini-horse all while allowing me to stay behind-the-scenes.
I spoke with Jenni, gave her a hug, she signed my books and we took pictures. It was amazing.
Hearing her speak helped me tremendously and according to my sister, it also helped her understand me better. She "get's it more"... whatever that means.
I have come to realize that my vegetarianism is not necessarily for my best interest but Ed's. I want so badly to eat some turkey with my family for Thanksgiving but Ed is playing games. I can't do it because I'm weak. I can't do it because it'll prove that everyone else is right. And, perhaps most convincing of all, I can't eat it because it has been so long since I had meat that it might make me sick. If it makes me sick then Ed will take over and want me to keep being sick because most of the time that's what he likes most. I probably won't be eating turkey THIS Thanksgiving, but realizing that someday I should gives me hope. I'm on the road to RecoverEd.
I have my New Year's resolution set already and believe it or not, Ed's not really involved. I'm going to keep it to myself for now, but I promise that I will tell you about it before the year ends. :)
My goal for this post was to write more about stuff that doesn't involve Ed or me whatsoever but I have to distract myself right now. I have to get my mind away. Concentrate. I proved to Ed that I could beat him time and again this week. I have exhausted my resources and am on my last straw right now. I know I can do this. I WILL do this.
I figure that if you've taken the time to read all the way through this, maybe you will take the time to give me some support... Some words of encouragement. Anything to take my mind off of Ed. I'll use my readers as my support team tonight because my will is not enough right now. If you don't want to comment below, you can email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
I can use any and all advice. And remember, no matter what happens, it's okay to be happy.