I can't decide if I'm happy about this or sad. I started Lent giving up a lot of stuff. I gav up coffee, sodas, candy and anything else that is 'bad' for you. After two days I gave up on the coffee thing because I am addicted. I had these horrible migraine headaches and I just couldn't take it anymore, although I stayed strong on the not eating anything bad part of it. After three weeks of this I started to really think about Lent and then realized that what I was doing wasn't for God at all and that I needed to change my lifestyle before things got bad (again). So instead of giving things up, I took things on. I challenged myself. I told myself that by doing this I would 'get better' and honestly, I'm glad I did. That's pretty much all I'm going to say about that because that's as personal as I'll get, but the whole 'taking things on' and challenging myself really made Lent more of a 'God and Bella' type of thing. It was a more personal experience and I truly enjoyed it. I just hope I can keep up with it.
So anyways, on Thursday night I went to this lock-in that I've been trying to go to for the past three years (it always gets cancelled) and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty much awesome. I'm not going to say it was life changing, but it was an eye-opener. We always see what homeless people go through, and we can sometimes even relate to the poor... but to actually spend a night outside in the cold and on the hard ground, it was just 'wow'. That's pretty much the only way to describe it.
I'm staying very pretty much surface level today because I feel like pretty soon I'm going to break. Any little thing feels like it could send me off the edge, but at the same time I feel like I need to write it out. Here goes nothing, but it's the nothing that's on my heart...
We talked a little bit about Richard at the lock-in. It hurt but felt good at the same time. I thought I was over him, and I want to be over him but something is holding me back. Richard has all of me, and at first that was okay, but now there's this new boy and he asked me out so I said yes. ...The thing aobut that is that I said yes because he asked me out, not because I actually want to be his girlfriend. Actually, it's not that I don't want to be his girlfriend, I mean he's a great, sweet and amazing boy, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be with him. I just met him. I like him, but I love Richard.
I love Richard.
That's my problem. Richard was and is my biggest mistake. How can I learn to forgive myself when I gave Richard the one thing that I told myself my entire life I wouldn't give away. I can't forgive myself, that is my real problem. I'm not even sure I love Richard, I just hate myself. I don't feel good enough for anyone else. I shower everyday, but I never feel clean. I don't know what it is. I've drawn a blank.
I don't think I can write anymore for today... Jacob is great, I'm just being dumb. I have to give him a chance; maybe he can be the boy that proves all others wrong. I need advice.
I'm so confused, my heart is aching
I don't know what I should do.
One mistake, my world's been shaken.
I shouldn't have listened to you.
Love's a lie, it's nonexistent,
But still I feel it next to him.
The hugs and kisses feel so distant,
I'm sorry babe, it's all so grim.
Trying hard, my best foot's forward,
I am sorry, but I can't commit.
Being with you just feels so awkward,
When I kiss you, I'm kissing him.
It hurts so bad, this barely started,
But we can fight for what it's worth.
It'd be much better if we both parted,
I'm too selfish, too full of sin.
Okay, so poem sucked. It's what's on my heart. I have a feeling I'm going to be taking this one down. It's an honest blog, but a personal one too. Any advece for me friends? ...It's obvious that I need it.