"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Thursday, August 18, 2011

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest...

I'm sitting here, on my father's recliner, forcing myself to write what's in my heart. The song I chose to play is "He Loves Us" by David Crowder Band. Finally, after a long long time, I am forcing myself to feel. Well, not really right this very minute, but earlier today. There's something about putting feelings into words and actually saying them that is extremely liberating.

"And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
And I don't have time to maintain these regrets 
When I think about the way
Oh, He loves us, yeah, He loves us..."

Those are some powerful lyrics.... Talking to someone today, we were able to piece together how I've felt lately, and I didn't say anything but as she was speaking I was picturing exactly what I've been seeing in my head for so long but not admitting to myself. I don't know how to work through it all but it's good to know I'm not crazy for picturing that...

Picture a beach with white sand, steaming sun and perfectly clear water. There's is no one else at this beach but me. It's completely empty yet feels crowded. I see myself looking out into the beautiful water, it's so peaceful. In the distance, pretty far out into the ocean there is a wall. I see this wall and I used to think it was part of my weirdness, but judging by the tiny bit of psychology that I know, I can piece together what it means.. And I think it makes me more normal than anything else. On the other side of this wall I see everyone and everything and that's when I realize why I feel like it's crowded. They won't stop trying to climb over... And although I know my wall is sturdy, I'm afraid that something will break through it, and deep inside I know how I'd feel if that happened. It's a lot and it makes this beach feel packed.

This wall is put together by bricks of different colors. It took along time to put up. Each brick a different color, each color a different hurt, betrayal or experience in life. I've built this wall to be very strong and I haven't let people past it. The few that I have let through have, over time, become additions to the wall, making it sturdier, more durable. 

I broke through the wall a little bit today... Or at least chipped it. And it felt good, great actually. I can't say that it'll be something that'll happen every day, week, etc. ...but hopefully I can keep working on it because the only way I'll ever work through the pain is by breaking down this wall and just keeping a picket fence. I like picket fences, especially white ones. They are welcoming yet show a sense of protection. They say, "Come in, but know that if I see you jumping over my picket fence I will feel uncomfortable". If I had a picket fence I'd make sure the wood was splintering. (....or splinter causing..? Not sure how you'd say that!) I'd make sure it'd be painful to jump it. 

Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button. No matter what, I know He loves us. I know I'm forgiven and I know I've granted forgiveness. The trouble is forgetting... That's always hard to do. 

Keep dreaming of tomorrow.


PS. I know He's also on the other side of that wall... and He's fighting all my demons, begging me to come through the wall and trust Him to shelter me. I have to swim through the pain to be able to get past it. The hard part is swimming and not drowning. 

"You know what you gotta do when life gets you down? Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming swimming swimming. What do we do we swim swim swim."
~Dory, Finding Nemo

**Now I have to work on the 'allowing myself to cry' part.**

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