"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31

     Around here lately it seems like the brighter the sun shines the darker the world gets, and maybe it's the heat but the arguments come more and more often and they are less and less intense. Everyone's tired, and that's not ever a good thing.

     I'm praying for the right words tonight because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, but it's been said that when in doubt one should 'write what you know'. Well, what I know lately isn't anything worth writing about. What I know is painful; it's lies upon lies and hatred. I know that I don't know and I know that I'd give anything for stability. 

     There are three people that I adore that are suffering right now and although I don't know what is hurting two of them, I've been praying like crazy that whatever it is goes away. I've ran like hell and sat down begging God to take all their pain and transform it into something beautiful. I've prayed to take everything of their shoulders and put it on mine, but sometimes that's not a great idea. I know that too, I learned the hard way. 

     I know that meditation is a great way to free the spirit, but lately it's been feeling like a jail. I sit and think, open laptop to turn my emotions into words and all of a sudden, everything I've come up with gets sucked right back in only to be let out at the worst of times. 

     I've learned to be alone also. I've learned to look for God in the hardest of times instead of hoping He finds me. I've gone to church on days that aren't 'obligated', I've sat in an empty sanctuary fighting with my Maker, my insides screaming for His love. 

     In the silence I have found the answer to the questions that have been asked several times, "Isabella, why don't you ever go out with your friends like you used to? Why are you always at church? Why don't you ever just go out? What happened to so and so?" 

     Well, it just so happens that my friends have changed. The old friends are nothing like they used to be, and to be honest, I'd rather spend a night cuddled up in a blanket with a book seeing a world I'll never know but won't ever forget than going out and doing things I'll never remember. And since when did church become a bad thing? Since when is it not okay? The people I've met there have changed me, they love me for me and not anyone that I'm not. They share my morals and beliefs, they love God and see the beauty of being human. 

     I don't know where I was going with this post, but then again I never know. I've written several drafts and have given up on most. I was supposed to write a letter that I haven't written yet, and I think that might be what's keeping me from feeling. I don't want to feel anything right now, but I know that I need to feel it all.

     I know two things are certain: I wont give up and God is fighting. That's all we really need.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wHIUfEOnJc  This video keeps me going through it all! 

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