I've decided it's time that I force myself to sit down and write even if what comes out isn't eloquent or interesting. For the past month I've attempted writing a post several times but am simply not happy with what came to mind.
Someone once told me that it's best to not go back and read what you write until after some time because if you re-read what you write right after it flows out you will not be happy with the finished product. I agree with that completely but still cannot bring myself to follow that advice. Writing is a part of me, but I feel like I can't share anything I write until I am at least content with it. I have a feeling this will not be the case today.
The other day, on the way back to my house we listened to a song by Miranda Lambert that I simply can't get out of my head. The song is 'The House that Built Me', and it describes how I feel so well that I cried as I listened. Music inspires me, but I only cry to songs that really really bring back memories or stir up feelings. This song did both.
The song is about her wanting to come how one last time to try to 'find herself'. The part the I like best says, "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it/ This brokenness inside me might start healing/ Out here it's like I'm someone else/ I thought that maybe I could find myself/ If I could just come in I swear I'll leave/ Won't take nothing but a memory/ From the house that built me".
It got me thinking about how badly I want to go home, to go back to the neighborhood I grew up in, more than anything I would love to go back and ask a certain someone just one question, "Why?". In the end I know it's best to stay here and just live my life without ever finding out, last time I tried I had panic attacks for weeks so it's probably best to just pray for peace. Prayer always works.
I called my grandfather the other day and for the first time ever he told me he loves me. I hate seeing them get old, I never met my Nonno on my mom's side and seeing the last three get older scares me. Not only does it freak me out because it's going to suck not having them around, but having them alive gives me an excuse to go to Puerto Rico, I'm afraid that if they're gone I'll never go back again, and as much as I say I don't like going over there, I love my home more than anywhere else in the world. I can live happily where I am now, but I can only truly live being back by the beach with all my cousins and smelling the crisp ocean air. I miss hearing the joggers feet and my pencil tapping with their running. I miss it all.
Anyway, it's time to go get a movie for family movie night. I'll try to update more often from now on. <3
Peace, love and Jesus (always).