"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Friday, May 7, 2010

I needed to write this.

I have recently realized how incredibly scared I am of endings. I think I hate them as much [or more] than beginings. It just hit me that both of those things are happening in a matter of days, weeks and months. Drastic change makes me feel heavy, sad even. Don't get me wrong, I like change, but not drastic change. I would also much prefer the kind of change that jingles in your pocket; that change brings a smile to my face. Except for pennies, those have pretty much become useless.

For the past 18 years I've worked towards one thing and finally, I've reached it. Graduation. In eighth grade I told myself that at that point I had lived too long to die before graduation. I made getting my diploma and walking the stage my goal in life; that and my friends are the things that kept me alive the rest of eighth grade and freshman year.

At the end of my first year of high school I found God. And by 'finding God' I mean that I had a real relationship with him. I learned that I shouldn't blame myself for my past, that instead of condemning people that have hurt me, life is much easier if you pray for them and I prayed to God to keep me alive at least until the day I graduate.

I lived and loved in ninth and tenth grade. I met my Godmother and learned many new things about my family. In tenth grade I learned what it felt like to be completely betrayed by someone. I learned to turn to friends for help. The summer of that year I had a life changing experience during a trip to Honduras; my eyes were opened to a completely different culture and I changed my view on life in general. I felt the need to live a little bit past graduation; I wanted to make a difference in the world, at least begin filling up the whole that mankind is slowly but surely digging deeper and deeper.

I'm just going to say that eleventh grade is a blur. I made way too many mistakes and it's a year in my life that I don't want to relive. I know we go through things so that we can learn from them and move on, for that reason I would not change a thing, but I also rather not sit here and drown in self-pity.

Fast forward to now. I gave up the one thing I promised myself I would hold onto. I loved, cried and have tried to move on. I've made it to graduation. I can already see myself on that stage reaching for my fake diploma. I also have no idea where to go from here.

Sure, I know I have to climb out of that deep deep hole in order to start shoveling dirt and begin to fill it up, but how? College and then what? A family? A vicious cycle between children, a husband and a job that I will probably end up hating? Why??

Life's uncertainty has made me weary lately. I'm usually the type to live in the present, and although I do worry about it, I don't let the future bring me down.

Right now my future is causing a big knot in my throat. I'm not even sure about what I should study in college anymore. I want to be a journalism major, but everyone tells me that "it doesn't bring in any money". Is that all we're here for, money?  In all aspects of life, would it be better to follow my head or my heart?

Even though I can't help but dwell on the future, I know I have to start by changing the present.

*Cheers to the begining of an end, to a lost love and a lust to forget, cheers to the both of you, to God, my family and friends, myself and to the end of a begining.*

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