Clean.

There is something about rain that makes me happy. I have thought about it plenty of times, but I have never been able to tell anyone why it makes me happy, it just does. The rain reminds me of back home, and anything that reminds me of what it feels like to be home brings me joy. I also think it is because rain brings with it a feeling of renewal, the Earth is being washed and, in a way, so am I.

Last Saturday, for the third day in a row I was having an absolutely awful day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong but I was ready to give up on everything, my family, my job, and honestly, even the life that I have been working on rebuilding this past year. I was thinking about what would happen if I just walked out on everything when Fr. Jason walked into the store. I called his name and he looked at me, confused but with a smile on his face. I hugged him and said hello, but what I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I don't know what it was, but seeing him walk in at that specific moment was like a message from God telling me not to give up. to keep on going.

That night I messaged him and asked him to do something that for the past seven years I have been terrified of doing.

I confessed for the second time in my life and it was absolutely beautiful. I wish I could say that it was my own will power that led me to ask Fr. Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but to be quite honest, I can't really tell you what it was. I have been wanting to confess since ninth grade but everytime I was going to go, I would tell myself I wasn't 'good enough' to be cleansed from my sins and opted out of going. I felt like I didn't deserve to be renewed and that if I did go, I would probably end up lying to the priest. Well, last Monday I told him everything. I stayed up all night thinking about everything I had done in the past seven years and the next day set all the cards out on the table. I came clean and it felt great. It felt like a huge  boulder was lifted off my shoulders and God was finally back into my life, finally leading me in the right direction.

I've always been known as a 'good' Catholic, and no, I wouldn't say that I am a bad one, but I have made my share of mistakes. I have been yearning to be forgiven , to be renewed, and now that I finally got that, I feel like I can accomplish anything!  I'm ready for the future, whatever it may be.

The pebble below has a great amount of significance. It's quite simple, but I picked it because it looked dirty, it looked like a pebble that no one would want. As I rolled it around in my hand and I prayed, I saw that it was a small chunk of sand. That as I rolled it between my fingers grain by grain it was coming clean, being renewed. Like I said before, I don't know what led me to ask Father Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but whatever it was, I am forever thankful for it.

It is now raining outside, I'm going to play in the rain!

Peace,
Bella