Last Saturday, for the third day in a row I was having an absolutely awful day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong but I was ready to give up on everything, my family, my job, and honestly, even the life that I have been working on rebuilding this past year. I was thinking about what would happen if I just walked out on everything when Fr. Jason walked into the store. I called his name and he looked at me, confused but with a smile on his face. I hugged him and said hello, but what I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I don't know what it was, but seeing him walk in at that specific moment was like a message from God telling me not to give up. to keep on going.
That night I messaged him and asked him to do something that for the past seven years I have been terrified of doing.
I confessed for the second time in my life and it was absolutely beautiful. I wish I could say that it was my own will power that led me to ask Fr. Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but to be quite honest, I can't really tell you what it was. I have been wanting to confess since ninth grade but everytime I was going to go, I would tell myself I wasn't 'good enough' to be cleansed from my sins and opted out of going. I felt like I didn't deserve to be renewed and that if I did go, I would probably end up lying to the priest. Well, last Monday I told him everything. I stayed up all night thinking about everything I had done in the past seven years and the next day set all the cards out on the table. I came clean and it felt great. It felt like a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders and God was finally back into my life, finally leading me in the right direction.
I've always been known as a 'good' Catholic, and no, I wouldn't say that I am a bad one, but I have made my share of mistakes. I have been yearning to be forgiven , to be renewed, and now that I finally got that, I feel like I can accomplish anything! I'm ready for the future, whatever it may be.
The pebble below has a great amount of significance. It's quite simple, but I picked it because it looked dirty, it looked like a pebble that no one would want. As I rolled it around in my hand and I prayed, I saw that it was a small chunk of sand. That as I rolled it between my fingers grain by grain it was coming clean, being renewed. Like I said before, I don't know what led me to ask Father Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but whatever it was, I am forever thankful for it.
It is now raining outside, I'm going to play in the rain!