Clean.

There is something about rain that makes me happy. I have thought about it plenty of times, but I have never been able to tell anyone why it makes me happy, it just does. The rain reminds me of back home, and anything that reminds me of what it feels like to be home brings me joy. I also think it is because rain brings with it a feeling of renewal, the Earth is being washed and, in a way, so am I.

Last Saturday, for the third day in a row I was having an absolutely awful day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong but I was ready to give up on everything, my family, my job, and honestly, even the life that I have been working on rebuilding this past year. I was thinking about what would happen if I just walked out on everything when Fr. Jason walked into the store. I called his name and he looked at me, confused but with a smile on his face. I hugged him and said hello, but what I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I don't know what it was, but seeing him walk in at that specific moment was like a message from God telling me not to give up. to keep on going.

That night I messaged him and asked him to do something that for the past seven years I have been terrified of doing.

I confessed for the second time in my life and it was absolutely beautiful. I wish I could say that it was my own will power that led me to ask Fr. Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but to be quite honest, I can't really tell you what it was. I have been wanting to confess since ninth grade but everytime I was going to go, I would tell myself I wasn't 'good enough' to be cleansed from my sins and opted out of going. I felt like I didn't deserve to be renewed and that if I did go, I would probably end up lying to the priest. Well, last Monday I told him everything. I stayed up all night thinking about everything I had done in the past seven years and the next day set all the cards out on the table. I came clean and it felt great. It felt like a huge  boulder was lifted off my shoulders and God was finally back into my life, finally leading me in the right direction.

I've always been known as a 'good' Catholic, and no, I wouldn't say that I am a bad one, but I have made my share of mistakes. I have been yearning to be forgiven , to be renewed, and now that I finally got that, I feel like I can accomplish anything!  I'm ready for the future, whatever it may be.

The pebble below has a great amount of significance. It's quite simple, but I picked it because it looked dirty, it looked like a pebble that no one would want. As I rolled it around in my hand and I prayed, I saw that it was a small chunk of sand. That as I rolled it between my fingers grain by grain it was coming clean, being renewed. Like I said before, I don't know what led me to ask Father Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but whatever it was, I am forever thankful for it.

It is now raining outside, I'm going to play in the rain!

Peace,
Bella

Writer's Block.

I've decided it's time that I force myself to sit down and write even if what comes out isn't eloquent or interesting. For the past month I've attempted writing a post several times but am simply not happy with what came to mind.

Someone once told me that it's best to not go back and read what you write until after some time because if you re-read what you write right after it flows out you will not be happy with the finished product. I agree with that completely but still cannot bring myself to follow that advice. Writing is a part of me, but I feel like I can't share anything I write until I am at least content with it. I have a feeling this will not be the case today.

The other day, on the way back to my house we listened to a song by Miranda Lambert that I simply can't get out of my head. The song is 'The House that Built Me', and it describes how I feel so well that I cried as I listened. Music inspires me, but I only cry to songs that really really bring back memories or stir up feelings. This song did both.

The song is about her wanting to come how one last time to try to 'find herself'. The part the I like best says, "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it/ This brokenness inside me might start healing/ Out here it's like I'm someone else/ I thought that maybe I could find myself/ If I could just come in I swear I'll leave/ Won't take nothing but a memory/ From the house that built me".

It got me thinking about how badly I want to go home, to go back to the neighborhood I grew up in, more than anything I would love to go back and ask a certain someone just one question, "Why?". In the end I know it's best to stay here and just live my life without ever finding out, last time I tried I had panic attacks for weeks so it's probably best to just pray for peace. Prayer always works.

I called my grandfather the other day and for the first time ever he told me he loves me. I hate seeing them get old, I never met my Nonno on my mom's side and seeing the last three get older scares me. Not only does it freak me out because it's going to suck not having them around, but having them alive gives me an excuse to go to Puerto Rico, I'm afraid that if they're gone I'll never go back again, and as much as I say I don't like going over there, I love my home more than anywhere else in the world. I can live happily where I am now, but I can only truly live being back by the beach with all my cousins and smelling the crisp ocean air. I miss hearing the joggers feet and my pencil tapping with their running. I miss it all.

Anyway, it's time to go get a movie for family movie night. I'll try to update more often from now on. <3

Peace, love and Jesus (always).