31!

 On Saturday I turn 31. 

This year I will have been seeing Jess for 11 years. That's roughly 575 sessions, give or take some for vacations, cancelations, etc. Part of me feels like I should be embarrassed to admit that I've seen Jess for that long but hot damn look at me taking care of my mental health. 

I'm going to try to be better about blogging more often but it seems like it's become a yearly update. 

I'm doing well.  

I don't want to say it too loudly because I'm still scared the Universe will hear me and decide to throw some curveballs my way. But really, for the most part, I'm doing well. 

I'm living on my own, managing this Great Big World. I have my own apartment now, my own car and my ZaZa. My girl is getting older by the day but she manages to stay upbeat and if she can do it, I know I can. I love my job. Growing up I don't even think I knew this position existed, much less did I ever see myself as an analyst, but here I am-- and apparently I'm pretty okay at it. My word for the year was Growth, and man has that happened this year. 

In February I checked off a bucket list item by doing an open mic night at work. It was virtual but I shared a very personal poem and people loved it! I got emails and messages from people from all over the organization thanking me for being raw, honest. Some said they could relate, others just wanted to thank me. It was so empowering. I did some EMDR with Jess to prepare for it and I really think it helped me be more calm, more present for the experience. 

Speaking of being more present, in the past month I've felt forced to be Present with a capital P. My manager asked me to take on some meetings, I won't bore you with the details of it, but it adds up to roughly 35-36 meetings a month. It felt like A LOT. It still does at times but I'm finding my groove and loving it. Each meeting I feel a little bit better about the next. I am grateful I have a manger that will listen if I say I'm overwhelmed and take action on my behalf. Growth. Presence. Gratitude. 

I'm finding it easier to be grateful for what I have. It's not a lot. I don't even have a couch yet, but I am so grateful I have my own bed to sleep in at night. I'm grateful for my car. For Za. For my family and for all the people that have believed in me for so long. I literally wouldn't be here today if it weren't for y'all.

I'm not doing anything big for my birthday this year. I'll probably find myself hanging out with my parents, taking some cute pictures with the pup. I've never been huge on birthday celebrations and this year seems to be no different. Except maybe that I'd like a cake. Hint Hint at the parents. I want a birthday cake. LOL Not a cake made out of fruit or a cupcake like in years past. I want a real cake. Opposite action my friends, opposite action. I could go for fruit or the perfectly portioned cupcake, but I want to be past that. Most people want cake on their birthday, so I'm saying F*** it with a capital F and getting my damn cake. Growth. 

I hope 31 makes me wiser, stronger and less anxious. I’m choosing to be present and to notice the little things, like a baby discovering the world for the first time. It’s been a while since I’ve been fully Present— I can’t wait to see what it brings. 

With Love, 

Bella