"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Sunday, February 10, 2013


I sat in my therapist's office the other day with tears in my eyes. I fought as hard as I could fight, but the tears still came and I got angry because I wanted them gone. Jess, my therapist, seemed to be welcoming the tears with open arms. "I have to be strong," I said as I wiped what would have been my first tear from my eyes.

I keep telling myself to hold it together, let them know everything's alright, you can do this. And I can. I know I can do this. But I also have to remember that we weren't meant to walk through life alone and as much as I wish I could do this alone, it's simply not possible.

I'm a part of several private support groups for the different treatment centers I've been through and have come to realize that recovery isn't as fantastic as I've made it out to be. Someone who I love dearly, someone who inspires me, who gives me hope when I feel like there's no hope out there... Well, she hit a rough spot and announced she's going back to treatment. On the outside everything seemed to be going okay, but there's always more to people than meets the eye. 

So this is my post, as honest as it gets. 

I've been struggling.

I've been feeling sad, anxious, angry, lonely and overwhelmed. I picked up the phone the other day to call someone and realized that although I have a lot of support out there, there is no one in my area that I can reach out to that will understand without judging. Not one person. So I told myself, "hold it together, Bella... we can do this." I wiped the tears from my eyes and moved on. 

I emailed my therapist who thank God replied within the hour. She told me to breathe, she told me the bad feelings will pass. She let me know that I am safe and that things may happen out of my control, but I can control how I choose to react to them.

That day I had a slip-up with my eating disorder symptoms. The next day was the same way... but on that third day, after breaking down in my boss' office and asking for support from a total stranger, I made a different choice and I didn't act on any ED or self-harm symptoms. 

I've thought a lot about how life has been going ever since I got back. In the grand scheme of things everything has been great, my life is coming together and unfolding as it should. I've been strong, much stronger than in the past. Yes, I've had my setbacks and difficulties, but I've handled it all better than expected.

I've realized that I'm going to feel alone at times. I'm going to have moments where I have to trust others more than I do myself. I'm going to doubt, cry, hurt and feel... something that I hadn't allowed myself to do in a long time. But most importantly, I've realized that after it's all said and done, I am going to heal.

Recovery is not a straight, clean road. It has its bumps, detours, twists and turns, but there is no doubt in my mind that recovery is worth it. Totally worth it. 

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