"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Friday, March 16, 2012

Life lately and the future..

     Although I don't have to apologize, I feel the need to do so because to many of you it must seem like I have disappeared off the face of the Earth and left nothing to show for it. This blog might do some explaining but I need to warn you now that it's not an easy post. If you aren't in a good place yourself you may not want to read this because I have a feeling it's going to be one of the most honest posts I've ever shared. 
     I'm not going to explain where I've been or what I've been doing but I will say that depression, self harm, eating disorders, etc. are the worst things that could ever happen to a person. These diseases tell you that you're okay when really you are dying inside. They tell you to lie, hide, isolate, eat or not eat, cry or not cry, be real, be fake; they tell you how to feel, what to feel, when to feel and how much. Until you've experienced one or all of these I don't think you'll ever fully understand. Depression is far worst than sadness and self harm goes much deeper than a cut. Ed is much more complicated than eating or not eating and the worst part of this all is that they can take over anyone at anytime and when the door opens for one of them, the others are free to enter as well. 
     This past month has been the hardest month of my life. I have been forced to be more humble than ever before and learned that it truly is okay to not be okay. It's not over yet though...
     Next week I am being admitted to the Renfrew Center day hospital in order to more forcefully address my ED. It's a 4-6 week program that I will be attending from 9-2 daily. I am scared out of my mind. I've been facing a lot of emotions lately but I don't know if I'm ready to face this. 
     Ed has been in my life for almost four years now and I can't say that I am fully prepared to let go. There are days that I'm done with it, ready to see it go and never return. But then there are days that Ed holds me tight and tells me that everything will be okay. Ed tells me I'm not alone and he's there to catch me when I fall. Ed came into my life after I left behind my blade and I've noticed that when Ed is gone my blade isn't. That makes my insides turn over and over. 
     Ed tells me that everyone is lying to me, that they don't love me as much as he does. "You don't have a problem," he whispers in my ear, "they just want to hurt you." He drags me deeper and deeper into my depression and separates me from my friends and family. 
    He tells me not to call my grandmother back who calls me everyday wondering how I'm doing. He tells me not to tell my sister how bad things really are. He tells me that if I tell anyone about the urges to hurt myself they'll just put me back in the hospital where I will feel like no one really understands and everyone's just looking for a magical cure. 
     Ed tells me that I will fail without him. He tells me that I'll never be good enough... that my brother is right when he tells others that I'm "faking it". He tells me not to reach out and build the support that I need. He tells me to stay at home all day because any friendship or relationship that I might build outside of these walls will end up hurting me anyway. Ed has taken everything from me. 
     I feel like I've lost my identity within his. And as much as I want to believe that everything will be okay, that God is fighting for me harder than ever before, I can't... Because a lot of the time, Ed takes away the one thing that I've always had to rely upon. 
     So yes, I'm scared... more scared than ever before. But I'm also thrilled. I'm thrilled that my doctors have finally seen how badly I need this. Thrilled that they're not letting go back to work or school until I'm firmly on the way to recovery. I have a new puppy to look after and I'm ecstatic about that as well. I don't know what Renfrew will bring, I don't know if I will like it or even be able to afford it, but the thought of finding myself again pushes to go through with this. 
     I've been doing everything I always said I wouldn't do and I can't wait to get started on something new. 

I can't promise a post to come soon, but I will try to keep them coming! Until then, keep loving, living, and fighting. You're worth it. 

21 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. 22 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, 23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin."
Romans 7:21-25

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