"Listen to the words that others can't speak; speak the words that others can't hear."

Thursday, June 9, 2011

It is easier to be angry than sad.

I find it interesting that most people have that one story to tell about the first time they learned about the birds and the bees. For most girls it’s an uncomfortable yet intimate conversation with their mom, while guys tend to learn things through their fathers’ use of inanimate objects (i.e. Sticking a plug in an electrical outlet, putting one lego inside the other, etc). I never really experienced that; instead I got a crying mother in my grandparents spare bedroom telling me that “it wasn’t okay” and “this can’t be happening”. Although it may sound like it, I am not drowning in self-pity rather expressing anger in the form of regret. 
Holding back is not going to help my situation, so I am going to come right out and say it: 
When I was very little a neighborhood boy basically tricked me into giving him oral sex by saying that we should play house... “the way the grown ups do it”. 
I wish I could place full blame on this guy, but I cannot bring myself to doing that considering that I never did say ‘no’ to him. I cannot blame myself either because... well, I honestly didn’t know it was wrong. Instead of placing a blame, I get angry. I am angry at myself for being so naive, angry at the guy for hurting me, and angry at the way I dealt with what was happening. My entire life everyone told me that it wasn’t a big deal, it was ‘just a game’... Well, guess what? It was a big deal and no, it was not just a game. No, I did not just forget about it. 
It did and does affect me and I am broken. 
Everything happens for a reason and God does not put anything in our path that we cannot handle. I feel that if this is true then I should not regret anything, but unfortunately I do. I regret a lot, and when I breakdown everything that I regret it all stems back to one thing, sex.
My attitude towards sex was completely misshaped from the very beginning. It is wrong, it is bad, it shouldn’t be done. I was fed lies before even knowing what sex was. I am angry at that fact that I never developed healthy coping mechanisms and am having to teach myself after so many years. I am angry that I destroyed myself in order to realize that what happened was not my fault; the only way to fill the void that I carry within my heart is not through others, but through God and through myself. 
Sex is perhaps the most feared word in the common vocabulary. It is not uncommon for people to avoid sex at all costs. We avoid the subject in schools, at work, with friends and most commonly with our children and families. But why? 
Sex is a part of everything that we do. From feeling a strange a attraction to that ‘mean and gross’ boy in fourth grade gym class to sex ed in high school and shopping with friends. Sex is within us from the moment we are conceived, but for some reason or other it is presented to us negatively from the moment we are born.  
Such a skewed view on the topic leads one to think that sex and God are opposites when in reality they go hand in hand. It can bring two people closer to Him than they have ever been before or tear someone’s soul to shreds. 
I am angry because I am broken. I was hurt before I knew what hurt was and I continued to bring myself down and away from Him. Now that I feel as if I can make the right decisions, that I am clear headed enough to deal with what may come, I feel angry because I don’t have the choice to give myself fully to someone, I made that choice at the wrong time and I can never take that back. 
I am angry because it is easier to be angry than sad. 
I will continue to regret my past and beat myself up for the mistakes that I made and the mistakes that others made for me... I’m just not sure if I will ever feel clean again, pure.  But I know God put someone out there for me that will accept my past and see me through my mistakes. There is someone that will love me and see me everyday as beautiful and clean; someone who will fight for me as hard as I will fight for them to earn our spot in Heaven. 

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