It's sick these thoughts that haunt me.
Day and night, night and day
In every way I can't escape them.
And I fear the explanation,
And I fear this sensation
And I can't bring myself to believe
This is real.
This is real.
It's sick these thoughts that haunt me.
I wish I could escape them.
The things I hoped I never would,
And the things I know I should
I only hope I can't escape them.
This I know is real.
It's real what I saw,
Every time I saw it.
It's real what I felt and did,
Every time I did it.
It's sick these thoughts that haunt me.
And I wish I hadn't
And I wish I had
And I wish I could believe in wishes.
I can't do this any longer.
If it's love, it's love.
If it's not then break it.
If you don't know then you better--
Because this I know is real--
We can't do this for much longer.
And this I know is real.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
God sent me angels.
I'm really not in the mood to be writing for several reasons, but what happened tonight needs to be shared.
After a horrible fight with my parents, specifically my mother, I couldn't take being at home anymore and decided to leave. Leaving is harder now than it was a week ago because I wrecked my car, so I have to rely on carpooling, the parents car or my own two feet. Apparently I was more desperate than I was tired because I decided that walking would be my best option.
I walked to the Starbucks near my house, got a coffee and began to walk. I wasn't sure where I was going, just knew I wasn't going home. After walking about a block in the direction towards the church I started thinking about going there. I asked myself if I could make it home after walking all the way there in the dark. I asked if it was worth the risk of walking alone at night, and finally I began to sing to myself as I cried.
I wanted to hate Him and throw all the anger that I felt towards my parents at Him, but all I could think was "my God is an awesome God He reigns, in Heaven above with wisdom, power and love my God is an awesome God." And I hated that I couldn't get that song out of my head.
As I got closer to the Spring Creek and Independence intersection it began to truly get dark outside and I started to get honks from passersby. I took my phone and texted the only person that I can say I trust with anything. I told her where I was going, what had happened and asked her if we could talk.
I have done a lot of walking this weekend, and I don't know if anyone else has experienced the blisters that flip-flops leave when you walk in them for a while, but by the time I got to the crematorium at SEAS it felt like I had no skin on my feet whatsoever. I sat in my favorite spot and cried as I told the person on the phone what I was afraid of and what I was feeling at the time.
I sent two texts to her. The first started with "I'd rather die than...", and as I spilled my feelings and cried more I sent the second text that stated: "That is not a suicide threat."
Literally seconds after that text was sent God answered the prayers that my heart was feeling but my brain refused to let out. One of the most Holy women I've met, Cindy J., walked into the crematorium. We shared some kind words about the weekend and how peaceful the crematorium is. The conversation was one that I could have had with any other stranger that happened to have been there tonight, but this encounter had a purpose.
Before leaving, Cindy shared a story about two of her past students. She said that one day she caught them fighting and saying that they hated each other. She told me that she knew that somehow the two boys must have had some amount of love for each other because to hate someone you have to love them first, otherwise it's just indifference.
This woman had no idea that I was feeling the pain I was feeling, but her words were the comfort that I needed to get up and come home. Before that five minute conversation I had planned on staying with a friend or getting a room for the night, but her words gave me the courage to walk back and at least sleep in my own room.
I can't say that I'm happy because I'm honestly not. I can't say that I love my parents because the hurt and anger that I carry with me now is anything but love. The only thing that I know for a fact at this very moment is that the Big Guy up there is looking out for me. He put that song in my head to remind me that He was with me amidst the hate, anger, and desperation. He was letting me know that He was fighting for me even as everything was pushing Him away.
After tonight I'm at a loss for words, we are so quick to change teams when things start going wrong, when instead we should be gearing up to fight NEXT to Our Lord, not against Him.
Thanks G, that's really some good looking out.
After a horrible fight with my parents, specifically my mother, I couldn't take being at home anymore and decided to leave. Leaving is harder now than it was a week ago because I wrecked my car, so I have to rely on carpooling, the parents car or my own two feet. Apparently I was more desperate than I was tired because I decided that walking would be my best option.
I walked to the Starbucks near my house, got a coffee and began to walk. I wasn't sure where I was going, just knew I wasn't going home. After walking about a block in the direction towards the church I started thinking about going there. I asked myself if I could make it home after walking all the way there in the dark. I asked if it was worth the risk of walking alone at night, and finally I began to sing to myself as I cried.
I wanted to hate Him and throw all the anger that I felt towards my parents at Him, but all I could think was "my God is an awesome God He reigns, in Heaven above with wisdom, power and love my God is an awesome God." And I hated that I couldn't get that song out of my head.
As I got closer to the Spring Creek and Independence intersection it began to truly get dark outside and I started to get honks from passersby. I took my phone and texted the only person that I can say I trust with anything. I told her where I was going, what had happened and asked her if we could talk.
I have done a lot of walking this weekend, and I don't know if anyone else has experienced the blisters that flip-flops leave when you walk in them for a while, but by the time I got to the crematorium at SEAS it felt like I had no skin on my feet whatsoever. I sat in my favorite spot and cried as I told the person on the phone what I was afraid of and what I was feeling at the time.
I sent two texts to her. The first started with "I'd rather die than...", and as I spilled my feelings and cried more I sent the second text that stated: "That is not a suicide threat."
Literally seconds after that text was sent God answered the prayers that my heart was feeling but my brain refused to let out. One of the most Holy women I've met, Cindy J., walked into the crematorium. We shared some kind words about the weekend and how peaceful the crematorium is. The conversation was one that I could have had with any other stranger that happened to have been there tonight, but this encounter had a purpose.
Before leaving, Cindy shared a story about two of her past students. She said that one day she caught them fighting and saying that they hated each other. She told me that she knew that somehow the two boys must have had some amount of love for each other because to hate someone you have to love them first, otherwise it's just indifference.
This woman had no idea that I was feeling the pain I was feeling, but her words were the comfort that I needed to get up and come home. Before that five minute conversation I had planned on staying with a friend or getting a room for the night, but her words gave me the courage to walk back and at least sleep in my own room.
I can't say that I'm happy because I'm honestly not. I can't say that I love my parents because the hurt and anger that I carry with me now is anything but love. The only thing that I know for a fact at this very moment is that the Big Guy up there is looking out for me. He put that song in my head to remind me that He was with me amidst the hate, anger, and desperation. He was letting me know that He was fighting for me even as everything was pushing Him away.
After tonight I'm at a loss for words, we are so quick to change teams when things start going wrong, when instead we should be gearing up to fight NEXT to Our Lord, not against Him.
Thanks G, that's really some good looking out.
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