I sat in my car today. I just sat for ten minutes. I prayed that things would be normal. I came home to crying, screaming and an unwelcoming and thick air.
I work to forget. I work hard to forget. In fact, I push forty hours a week, full-time. I go to school full-time. I volunteer, go to church, lead at church. I work hard to forget... but I don't.
I wake up sweaty, shaking. Not knowing. Fearful.
I ignore the truth. My friends. My family. My sister. I ignore. And I'm sorry.
Everything keeps telling me to hold on; white-knuckling through life doesn't fix anything but it's a start.
I'm not ready for a relationship when it's hard to keep friends. Not ready.
When will I be ready? When? So many questions. No answers. No. Answers.
I'm confused tonight. Confused more than ever.
This is my public apology. If I've hurt you, ignored you, scared you.. I'm sorry. This isn't me, I don't know who this is but I'm better than this. I'm trying to figure things out. I hope you can forgive me.
There's always hope.
"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
Although this blog entry sounds depressing, and in a way it is, I hope it also comes across with a bit of joy. Everyday is bran new and my faith is everlasting. Full of fear I face tomorrow, hoping sorrow's just passing through.