Ramblings....

I am so scared.


I'm a little girl, lost and afraid. I'm pleading for help but no one is around. Even the shadows on the wall scare me. I feel hopeless and alone. I sit, cry, and wait for help. Will they ever come get me?


I am on top of the world. I am nine, or maybe ten, and I am on top of the world... nothing can get me here.


But then it does. Why? I wore a low cut tan-kini top. Must've been why.


I am thirteen. I pour candle wax on my legs because I like the way it stings. It gives me something to focus on. I'm going to be a BMX superstar. I build a ramp. I go full speed off the ramp, flip forward half way and land on my back in the grass with my bicycle on top of me. I can do it right next time. I can do it right the next 20 times. I can't.


I can't do a lot of things at this point.


I can't play tennis. I can't lose weight. I can't stand how the spanx feel but I need to learn to suck my tummy in. I can't make myself look like the others on the beach. I can't drink milk anymore. I can't eat the things I like. I can eat before 4:30pm only. I can hide. I can throw up. I can fight werewolves in Michigan, it shows on my skin, but don't ask me how I have time for that.


I become Little Debbie. I look like her. I eat like her... or at least my entire Spanish class thinks so.


I turn inwards. I lose friends. I can't sleep at night without crying myself to sleep.


I may have found love. Or maybe love found me. Or maybe it was those shadows from my childhood disguised as love. They're coming to get me.


I can't go through all this again tonight. I need to rest.


I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out where things went wrong. What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? Though I wouldn't wish this on anyone else in the world, why was it me?


I ask for help. I answer a lot of questions but I only give half truths. I only share half the picture. The other parts are dark. I just can't remember. Why can't I remember? I need some fucking answers because I'm drowning in here. The water is past my mouth and I can't speak any longer. There's not much oxygen left and my chest feels tight. I want to sleep but I'm jerked awake in fear. Sometimes I wake up crying.


I am getting ready to start school again and I am terrified and excited. I feel like maybe I can do it this time though a part of me fears the monsters are back. Full force. I am hanging on. I am hanging on because I didn't die when I could have. I am hanging on because my friends are getting their six-month email, letting them know they've been out of treatment for half a year and that's a huge accomplishment. Mine should be coming soon and this makes me happy. I'm hanging on because even though I was three weeks late on rent this month, and with little food in the pantry, I am living on my own and I'm e x p a n d i n g  my support system. I'm hanging on because this year, when I went for my yearly check-up, I panicked a little but I didn't cry, and I allowed myself to go to someone I feel I can trust. I felt embarrassed about my panic, but I felt safe. I'm hanging on because I was accepted into Capella even though I was sure I wasn't going to be able to go back to school.


Some time in the future, this may all make sense. Or maybe it won't. I've come to realize you can never be sure of anything. Well, except death. But I try not to focus on that now.


I'm still that little girl, afraid and alone. Little Bella. I'm still the one that can't. I still turn inwards and cry. I still crave for something to focus on... something to tend to. Something to make it all go away. Except now I try to acknowledge where I am today. Sometimes that's sleeping with baby cologne on my blanket, sometimes that's cuddling my dog while I cry. Sometimes it's busting my ass at work. Sometimes that's allowing myself to speak full truths to my therapist and her allowing me the space to cry and wonder why. That's me-- Bella. That's the me that wants to believe that the best is yet to come. That may only be a half truth for now, but maybe in the future that will change. Maybe.


But without that maybe I lose all hope. I need to hang onto that maybe.