"You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere earthly mortal will never again strike terror." -Psalm 10: 17-18
When I first started treatment at Eating Recovery Center of Dallas I was very hesitant. I have done this so many times before and this time I wasn't sure I was ready or even wanting recovery. From the very beginning my team was extremely supportive and pushed for what they knew was best for me, even when I pushed back.
Kara, my therapist, wanted me to live in the apartments so that I could practice what it's like to live alone (in this case with roommates). I was afraid that moving in would give me more freedom to act on my behaviors, but after thinking about it for some time I packed my bags and moved in. They are letting me stay free of charge, normally it's $50 a day. I cried as she explained to me that I was deserving of the help I was getting. I cried because I felt (and sometimes still feel) like I don't deserve help. I'm the only person in this world that can't recover.. I've come to realize that is not true.
Kara wanted me to do family therapy with more than just my family, so I volunteered my best friend Aimee for the task. We had a couple sessions and I was able to open up to her more and tell her when I was having urges to act on something and what exactly the urges were. Let me tell you something, being truthful about urges is extremely vulnerable and difficult; I believe we grew stronger in our friendship because of this.
At ERC they talk a lot about values. I had never thought about my values because I simply didn't think it was important. I have always felt like I am going to die young, so why even bother? Kara had me do an exercise with 100 cards with values on them, I had to slowly eliminate cards until I got to just five. Sounds simple, it is much harder than you would think. My top five values were: 1) Inner Strength 2) Creativity 3) Spirituality 4) Family 5) Safety. I am working on figuring out how these play out in my life and what I want to do with them. I believe God has exciting plans for me and my future.
Lastly, my transition back to work has been trying. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I know I am good at it, it's just hard to balance work, treatment, meals, therapy, doctor's appointments and try to still have a social life amidst all of that. I think I've been doing well. I had the privilege of seeing a friend I grew up with just last week and my heart is still so joyous! I've reached out to old church friends and started going to weekly Mass. Unfortunately, now that I'm working 12 hour shifts on the weekends I won't be able to go for a bit but I do want to work harder to go back to church and renew my faith.
I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to, but I am making an effort to use my creativity and share it with the world. I've been drawing more and working on some poetry. I guess I can end with my most recent poem. I told my therapist I thought it was too depressing to share it with anyone, but she assured me that I only think it is depressing because I am depressed. I hope she is right. Slowly but surely I feel this pain is lifting. My team let my employer know that I struggle with ED, depression and PTSD so that I can be honest and take advantage of my meals and breaks to actually eat. I've noticed that by simply feeding my body, my mind and soul have benefited as well. Anyways, here is the poem I wrote just a couple of weeks ago. :)
Alone
Alone in the darkness,
Mind wanders.
Feeling, feeling too much.
Feeling nothing at all.
Alone in the darkness.
Alone in my thoughts. Alone.
The pills make the pain subside,
But when will I see the sun shine again?
When will a smile come without forcefully
willing my lips to turn upward?
Upward I go in my dreams...
A land unknown, a land for people like me.
People like me weren't born for this world.
A world of anger and hate,
Shame so deep it runs through our veins.
We breathe in. We're drowning.
We breathe in. We are free.
Peace to you,
Bella
