Clean.

There is something about rain that makes me happy. I have thought about it plenty of times, but I have never been able to tell anyone why it makes me happy, it just does. The rain reminds me of back home, and anything that reminds me of what it feels like to be home brings me joy. I also think it is because rain brings with it a feeling of renewal, the Earth is being washed and, in a way, so am I.

Last Saturday, for the third day in a row I was having an absolutely awful day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong but I was ready to give up on everything, my family, my job, and honestly, even the life that I have been working on rebuilding this past year. I was thinking about what would happen if I just walked out on everything when Fr. Jason walked into the store. I called his name and he looked at me, confused but with a smile on his face. I hugged him and said hello, but what I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I don't know what it was, but seeing him walk in at that specific moment was like a message from God telling me not to give up. to keep on going.

That night I messaged him and asked him to do something that for the past seven years I have been terrified of doing.

I confessed for the second time in my life and it was absolutely beautiful. I wish I could say that it was my own will power that led me to ask Fr. Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but to be quite honest, I can't really tell you what it was. I have been wanting to confess since ninth grade but everytime I was going to go, I would tell myself I wasn't 'good enough' to be cleansed from my sins and opted out of going. I felt like I didn't deserve to be renewed and that if I did go, I would probably end up lying to the priest. Well, last Monday I told him everything. I stayed up all night thinking about everything I had done in the past seven years and the next day set all the cards out on the table. I came clean and it felt great. It felt like a huge  boulder was lifted off my shoulders and God was finally back into my life, finally leading me in the right direction.

I've always been known as a 'good' Catholic, and no, I wouldn't say that I am a bad one, but I have made my share of mistakes. I have been yearning to be forgiven , to be renewed, and now that I finally got that, I feel like I can accomplish anything!  I'm ready for the future, whatever it may be.

The pebble below has a great amount of significance. It's quite simple, but I picked it because it looked dirty, it looked like a pebble that no one would want. As I rolled it around in my hand and I prayed, I saw that it was a small chunk of sand. That as I rolled it between my fingers grain by grain it was coming clean, being renewed. Like I said before, I don't know what led me to ask Father Jason to fulfill the sacrament for me, but whatever it was, I am forever thankful for it.

It is now raining outside, I'm going to play in the rain!

Peace,
Bella

Writer's Block.

I've decided it's time that I force myself to sit down and write even if what comes out isn't eloquent or interesting. For the past month I've attempted writing a post several times but am simply not happy with what came to mind.

Someone once told me that it's best to not go back and read what you write until after some time because if you re-read what you write right after it flows out you will not be happy with the finished product. I agree with that completely but still cannot bring myself to follow that advice. Writing is a part of me, but I feel like I can't share anything I write until I am at least content with it. I have a feeling this will not be the case today.

The other day, on the way back to my house we listened to a song by Miranda Lambert that I simply can't get out of my head. The song is 'The House that Built Me', and it describes how I feel so well that I cried as I listened. Music inspires me, but I only cry to songs that really really bring back memories or stir up feelings. This song did both.

The song is about her wanting to come how one last time to try to 'find herself'. The part the I like best says, "I thought if I could touch this place or feel it/ This brokenness inside me might start healing/ Out here it's like I'm someone else/ I thought that maybe I could find myself/ If I could just come in I swear I'll leave/ Won't take nothing but a memory/ From the house that built me".

It got me thinking about how badly I want to go home, to go back to the neighborhood I grew up in, more than anything I would love to go back and ask a certain someone just one question, "Why?". In the end I know it's best to stay here and just live my life without ever finding out, last time I tried I had panic attacks for weeks so it's probably best to just pray for peace. Prayer always works.

I called my grandfather the other day and for the first time ever he told me he loves me. I hate seeing them get old, I never met my Nonno on my mom's side and seeing the last three get older scares me. Not only does it freak me out because it's going to suck not having them around, but having them alive gives me an excuse to go to Puerto Rico, I'm afraid that if they're gone I'll never go back again, and as much as I say I don't like going over there, I love my home more than anywhere else in the world. I can live happily where I am now, but I can only truly live being back by the beach with all my cousins and smelling the crisp ocean air. I miss hearing the joggers feet and my pencil tapping with their running. I miss it all.

Anyway, it's time to go get a movie for family movie night. I'll try to update more often from now on. <3

Peace, love and Jesus (always).

I needed to write this.

I have recently realized how incredibly scared I am of endings. I think I hate them as much [or more] than beginings. It just hit me that both of those things are happening in a matter of days, weeks and months. Drastic change makes me feel heavy, sad even. Don't get me wrong, I like change, but not drastic change. I would also much prefer the kind of change that jingles in your pocket; that change brings a smile to my face. Except for pennies, those have pretty much become useless.

For the past 18 years I've worked towards one thing and finally, I've reached it. Graduation. In eighth grade I told myself that at that point I had lived too long to die before graduation. I made getting my diploma and walking the stage my goal in life; that and my friends are the things that kept me alive the rest of eighth grade and freshman year.

At the end of my first year of high school I found God. And by 'finding God' I mean that I had a real relationship with him. I learned that I shouldn't blame myself for my past, that instead of condemning people that have hurt me, life is much easier if you pray for them and I prayed to God to keep me alive at least until the day I graduate.

I lived and loved in ninth and tenth grade. I met my Godmother and learned many new things about my family. In tenth grade I learned what it felt like to be completely betrayed by someone. I learned to turn to friends for help. The summer of that year I had a life changing experience during a trip to Honduras; my eyes were opened to a completely different culture and I changed my view on life in general. I felt the need to live a little bit past graduation; I wanted to make a difference in the world, at least begin filling up the whole that mankind is slowly but surely digging deeper and deeper.

I'm just going to say that eleventh grade is a blur. I made way too many mistakes and it's a year in my life that I don't want to relive. I know we go through things so that we can learn from them and move on, for that reason I would not change a thing, but I also rather not sit here and drown in self-pity.

Fast forward to now. I gave up the one thing I promised myself I would hold onto. I loved, cried and have tried to move on. I've made it to graduation. I can already see myself on that stage reaching for my fake diploma. I also have no idea where to go from here.

Sure, I know I have to climb out of that deep deep hole in order to start shoveling dirt and begin to fill it up, but how? College and then what? A family? A vicious cycle between children, a husband and a job that I will probably end up hating? Why??

Life's uncertainty has made me weary lately. I'm usually the type to live in the present, and although I do worry about it, I don't let the future bring me down.

Right now my future is causing a big knot in my throat. I'm not even sure about what I should study in college anymore. I want to be a journalism major, but everyone tells me that "it doesn't bring in any money". Is that all we're here for, money?  In all aspects of life, would it be better to follow my head or my heart?

Even though I can't help but dwell on the future, I know I have to start by changing the present.

*Cheers to the begining of an end, to a lost love and a lust to forget, cheers to the both of you, to God, my family and friends, myself and to the end of a begining.*

Say what?!

My teacher stole two dollars form me the other day. Just saying. I gave her two dollars for two brownies that I paid for and made, and she made pay to take them... Then proceeded to put the money in her pocket. Messed up? ...more than just a little.

Since we're on the topic of stealing, I watched a little (well, she was big actually) old lady get escorted out of Wal-Mart today for stealing. It's funny when you first think about it, but also sad and disturbing at the same time. First off, if you're going to steal, don't do it at a store where people are constantly watching the cameras, and second, don't be completely obvious about it. Here's how it went down:

1. Little old lady walks in and pays for one thing.
2. Little old lady takes between 8-10 bags and walks out to get a cart..
3. Little old lady walks in again and goes straight to the pharmacy and proceeds to stuff each shopping bag with Ensure (drinks for diabetics...?)
4. Little old lady walks out with over $100-200 worth of stuff
5. Little old lady puts things in car
6. Little old lady walks back in, buys more stuff and leaves.

Day two:

1. Little old lady walks in.
2. Little old lady shops..
3. Little old lady goes to pay but is shocked when manager pulls out a pack of Ensure and says "Recognize this?" ...
4. Little old lady gets escorted out.

Okay, it was absolutely pointless for me to write all that, but you have to admit that it was funny.

Considering where I work, it's probably not surprising that so many funny things happen when I'm at work. But of course, along with all the funny stuff comes all the sad stuff. I almost broke down in tears the other day.

I was checking out an elderly couple, and as usual I greeted them and tried to make a little small talk but for some reason they weren't really talking back. I figured they were just 'grouchy old people' and decided to just hurry up and finish their transaction. As I was finishing up I heard the wife say, "Ron! Ron! Are you paying attention?"

"Yes I am! Whada ya want?!"

"Get the grocieries! ..Ron! Get the groceries!"

I was starting to get angry because the old man wasn't paying attention and the old lady was just demanding him instead of simply asking. I grabbed the bags and handed them over to the man one by one and he politely took each one and said 'thank you' over and over. A little confused I got back around to my register and started the next transaction as the older couple headed down towards the doors. The old man stopped by the exit and leaned on his cart while the lady came running back as if she had forgotten something.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Thank you very much. And I apologize for everything, Ron has alzheimer's. "

I was speechless. In that one moment all my anger went away and all I could think about was what an awful person I had just been. I hadn't said anything rude, but I still felt terrible about all the mean things I had thought. I wanted to cry but instead just told her that it was no problem and I hoped she had a nice day.

It's moments like those that I know God sends me to remind me that He's always watching. That he knows what we're feeling, thinking and wishing. God sends us those moments not only for our benefit, but to keep us in check. The little old couple was a reminder for me. It was sent to remind me that patience is one of the fruits of the spirit. One of the fruits that I need to work on. I can talk the talk, but so easily forget to walk the walk.

It's time I change some things. My grandmother has had symptoms of Alzheimer's for over a year, the doctor hasn't officially said it's Alzheimer's but he's constantly checking up. That couple could have easily been my grandparents and seeing how I would have treated them absolutely disgusts me.

If I could, I would go back and start over, but since I can't do that, I'm just glad I got to learn from it and hopefully become a better person through it.

I have so much to write about, but not enough time to do it. Something good is coming soon.

"When you do a good deed, make sure you know who is benefiting form it; then what you do will not be wasted. You will be repaid for any kindness you shoe to a devout person. If he doesn't repay you, the Most High will." Sirach 12:1-2

I Slept On Cardboard the Other Night.

Lent is over.

I can't decide if I'm happy about this or sad. I started Lent giving up a lot of stuff. I gav up coffee, sodas, candy and anything else that is 'bad' for you. After two days I gave up on the coffee thing because I am addicted. I had these horrible migraine headaches and I just couldn't take it anymore, although I stayed strong on the not eating anything bad part of it. After three weeks of this I started to really think about Lent and then realized that what I was doing wasn't for God at all and that I needed to change my lifestyle before things got bad (again). So instead of giving things up, I took things on. I challenged myself. I told myself that by doing this I would 'get better' and honestly, I'm glad I did. That's pretty much all I'm going to say about that because that's as personal as I'll get, but the whole 'taking things on' and challenging myself really made Lent more of a 'God and Bella' type of thing. It was a more personal experience and I truly enjoyed it. I just hope I can keep up with it.


So anyways, on Thursday night I went to this lock-in that I've been trying to go to for the past three years (it always gets cancelled) and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty much awesome. I'm not going to say it was life changing, but it was an eye-opener. We always see what homeless people go through, and we can sometimes even relate to the poor... but to actually spend a night outside in the cold and on the hard ground, it was just 'wow'. That's pretty much the only way to describe it.

I'm staying very pretty much surface level today because I feel like pretty soon I'm going to break. Any little thing feels like it could send me off the edge, but at the same time I feel like I need to write it out. Here goes nothing, but it's the nothing that's on my heart...

We talked a little bit about Richard at the lock-in. It hurt but felt good at the same time. I thought I was over him, and I want to be over him but something is holding me back. Richard has all of me, and at first that was okay, but now there's this new boy and he asked me out so I said yes. ...The thing aobut that is that I said yes because he asked me out, not because I actually want to be his girlfriend. Actually, it's not that I don't want to be his girlfriend, I mean he's a great, sweet and amazing boy, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be with him. I just met him. I like him, but I love Richard.

I love Richard.

That's my problem. Richard was and is my biggest mistake. How can I learn to forgive myself when I gave Richard the one thing that I told myself my entire life I wouldn't give away. I can't forgive myself, that is my real problem. I'm not even sure I love Richard, I just hate myself. I don't feel good enough for anyone else. I shower everyday, but I never feel clean. I don't know what it is. I've drawn a blank.

I don't think I can write anymore for today... Jacob is great, I'm just being dumb. I have to give him a chance; maybe he can be the boy that proves all others wrong. I need advice.

I'm so confused, my heart is aching

I don't know what I should do.

One mistake, my world's been shaken.

I shouldn't have listened to you.

Love's a lie, it's nonexistent,

But still I feel it next to him.

The hugs and kisses feel so distant,

I'm sorry babe, it's all so grim.

Trying hard, my best foot's forward,

I am sorry, but I can't commit.

Being with you just feels so awkward,

When I kiss you, I'm kissing him.

It hurts so bad, this barely started,

But we can fight for what it's worth.

It'd be much better if we both parted,

I'm too selfish, too full of sin.

Okay, so poem sucked. It's what's on my heart. I have a feeling I'm going to be taking this one down. It's an honest blog, but a personal one too. Any advece for me friends? ...It's obvious that I need it.

Peace,
Bella

Mission Accomplished.

Spring Break is almost over and I'm sitting here wishing it could last forever. First off I have to say that I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish over Spring Break. Happiness.

I did a ton of thinking and 'figuring out'. I realized that I don't belong in Plano, TX. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing city, and I am forever grateful that I started up here, but I don't belong here. I don't know where I belong, but I know it' snot this place. I belong some place where everyone knows each other and relies on each other. One where high school education is enough to give you a voice, where people count on how smart you are, not your level of education... Again, don't misinterpret what I'm saying, college is my number one priority (aside from family, God, etc.) but it most definitely wasn't for my parents. They went to college, just never finished. Plano is not a place for them either. Plano is a place for big CEO's and people that make money without even trying.

I don't belong in such a snobby city. I presently work for Wal-Mart, a company known for its weird people and for supposedly being a sweatshop. I'll admit that I'm sure some stores are like that, the one I work for defeats that stereotype a million times over. Iget paid over nine dollars an hour. I know that's not too much, but if you think about the fact that they will not even allow me to get near the dumpster, cardboard compactor, trucks, or sell alcohol or cigarettes because I'm not 18 yet, that is more than enough money. I stand at a register and move my arm back and forth while talking to the brats that I have to consider "...first. Always."

Plano is just not my kind of city and customers are definitely not always first. Sorry Wal-Mart, but in case of a fire I'm saving my ass before anyone else's, I have bigger and better things to do in my life. None of it involves Wal-Mart or Plano.

On the other hand, I've met the greatest people while living here, people that have taught me to live my life to the fullest and have helped me to survive. Many of which have actually lived their entire lives here, some that are ment to live here. Some I've met because they've been down and out in the same situation as me, others through my church and many through the schools I've gone to, and in all honesty, I truly don't think that I would be alive right now if I hadn't met these people. For that reason, I am eternally grateful for this city.

Either way, this place has taught me countless life lessons that shape the person I hope to someday be. The person that I'm working on becoming.

On to a different subject, but hang in here with me because I promise it all comes together in the end.

I did a lot of 'friending' during this Spring Break. I've been told that when you're feeling down you shouldn't stay all cooped up in your house because that only makes you feel worse.. Makes perfect sense I guess. (:

So other than bike rides and just hanging out with friends I also went bowling with the 'everything skit team'. ...That's what we call ourselves but really we've all just become great friends, almost like brothers and sisters. Anyways, after bowling we decided to go to IHOP. It was... interesting to say the least, not to mention the fact that there was a group of three adults and seven children (all under 8) eating there at one in the morning...?

BUT, where I was going with that was that somewhere in the middle of throwing straw wrappers and picture taking someone said something profound. Who would have thought that a group of college bound teenagers would have anything meaningful to talk about. I can't remember who said it or what led them to saying it, but I'm glad that they did.

Life is easier when you're a good person... You actually have to try to be bad, but when you just live your life the way God made you, you're bound to be a great person and have an easy life. It doesn't really matter what you do in life... If you're here to wash dishes, then love washing those dishes and do it to your best potential; life is much better that way.

At that moment, and I don't know why, I thought of working at Wal-Mart. I realized that I like my job right now because I make the most out of it. I enjoy hearing the stories about all the rich and famous people they've met, but I especially enjoy the ones that come from the crazies... Those people make my life so much better. I like almost everyone I work with and try to have some fun even with the ones that get on my last nerve.

People have asked me how I get by so easily. Truth is that I don't, not at all. Life is not easy unless you make it easy. I don't like where I live or even how I live parts of my life, but one thing I strive to remember to do is follow God and wake up every morning thinking "Today is going to be a good day". ...And on the days that aren't so great I go to bed thinking that 'there's always tomorrow'.

"Life is easier when you're a good person... You actually have to try to be bad, but when you just live your life the way God made you...life is much better that way."

~from a wise teenager sitting at an Ihop at 1am.

Mission: Happiness

I've spent the past two days trying to find something interesting to write about, but nothing has really stuck out with me. I've skipped having lunch with friends because I wanted to take the time to reflect on just life in general. The only conclusion I came to was the fact that I hadn't been doing enough for Lent and that I desperately need a break.

Originally I wanted to fast on the weekends for Lent but the second I passed the idea by my mom it was turned down. I figured that would happen so I narrowed it down to just Fridays but she still didn't even budge a little bit. She made me settle for just giving up soft drinks. I was content with that for a week but then I realized that in reality I don't really drink sodas anyway and I knew it wasn't enough. I tried doing the no coffee thing but that still wasn't enough. Now I decided to go completely against what my mom wants me to do and do the no fast food thing. I usually pick something up after school so that I have time to eat before going to work, but I feel like I need to give something real up for the remaining of Lent so I guess that's what I'm going with.

This morning I was listening to the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning Show and they were doing a bit on 'What Three Things You Would Change About Yourself''. Kellie was talking about how much she envies women who are big and can still 'strut their stuff' and be happy with who they are. I realized that I envy those women too. At some point in the past few days I decided that I want to start working out again but I don't really have time considering that I already get up at 7 and don't get back home until at least 10 and then all I have time for is homework and stuff. This is why I decided that all next week I'm going to go on those long bike rides I love. I'm hoping that I can get some of my working out out of hte way and then in someway feel better about myself. I think I've been feeling this desperation for something more because I need to raise my self worth and need some good conversations.

People at school don't seem to enjoy serious conversations. I think that's why I rather talk to older adults reather than my best friends. I rather talk about life, God, and how awesome it is to be in the middle of nowhere enjoying yourself than gossip or talk about a party and other stupid teenage drama. My sister tells me I'm an old lady stuck in a teenage body but I say I'd rather be that and be happy than pretend to be someone I'm not. Lately I've been putting on a great show to make people around me happy, but I on the other hand am not very happy.

I'm going to take Spring Break to find my happiness again. I have to get myself back on track.

Anyone up for 'happiness finding' with me? :)

I turn 18 in less than a month! And unlike the past several years, my birthday does not fall on Holy Week this year! I'm sorry Jesus but I'm incredibly happy to be able to celebrate my 18th birthday. Hahaha Two years ago I was told that since my birthday fell on Easter we weren't going to sing happy birthday on my birthday but the day after instead. That was no fun.

Anyway, I'm praying for something good to write about. Something that's worth your time because I know I've started to turn this blog into something more like a diary. I don't like writing diary blogs. :)

Something good will come soon. Promise.