I needed to write this.

I have recently realized how incredibly scared I am of endings. I think I hate them as much [or more] than beginings. It just hit me that both of those things are happening in a matter of days, weeks and months. Drastic change makes me feel heavy, sad even. Don't get me wrong, I like change, but not drastic change. I would also much prefer the kind of change that jingles in your pocket; that change brings a smile to my face. Except for pennies, those have pretty much become useless.

For the past 18 years I've worked towards one thing and finally, I've reached it. Graduation. In eighth grade I told myself that at that point I had lived too long to die before graduation. I made getting my diploma and walking the stage my goal in life; that and my friends are the things that kept me alive the rest of eighth grade and freshman year.

At the end of my first year of high school I found God. And by 'finding God' I mean that I had a real relationship with him. I learned that I shouldn't blame myself for my past, that instead of condemning people that have hurt me, life is much easier if you pray for them and I prayed to God to keep me alive at least until the day I graduate.

I lived and loved in ninth and tenth grade. I met my Godmother and learned many new things about my family. In tenth grade I learned what it felt like to be completely betrayed by someone. I learned to turn to friends for help. The summer of that year I had a life changing experience during a trip to Honduras; my eyes were opened to a completely different culture and I changed my view on life in general. I felt the need to live a little bit past graduation; I wanted to make a difference in the world, at least begin filling up the whole that mankind is slowly but surely digging deeper and deeper.

I'm just going to say that eleventh grade is a blur. I made way too many mistakes and it's a year in my life that I don't want to relive. I know we go through things so that we can learn from them and move on, for that reason I would not change a thing, but I also rather not sit here and drown in self-pity.

Fast forward to now. I gave up the one thing I promised myself I would hold onto. I loved, cried and have tried to move on. I've made it to graduation. I can already see myself on that stage reaching for my fake diploma. I also have no idea where to go from here.

Sure, I know I have to climb out of that deep deep hole in order to start shoveling dirt and begin to fill it up, but how? College and then what? A family? A vicious cycle between children, a husband and a job that I will probably end up hating? Why??

Life's uncertainty has made me weary lately. I'm usually the type to live in the present, and although I do worry about it, I don't let the future bring me down.

Right now my future is causing a big knot in my throat. I'm not even sure about what I should study in college anymore. I want to be a journalism major, but everyone tells me that "it doesn't bring in any money". Is that all we're here for, money?  In all aspects of life, would it be better to follow my head or my heart?

Even though I can't help but dwell on the future, I know I have to start by changing the present.

*Cheers to the begining of an end, to a lost love and a lust to forget, cheers to the both of you, to God, my family and friends, myself and to the end of a begining.*

Say what?!

My teacher stole two dollars form me the other day. Just saying. I gave her two dollars for two brownies that I paid for and made, and she made pay to take them... Then proceeded to put the money in her pocket. Messed up? ...more than just a little.

Since we're on the topic of stealing, I watched a little (well, she was big actually) old lady get escorted out of Wal-Mart today for stealing. It's funny when you first think about it, but also sad and disturbing at the same time. First off, if you're going to steal, don't do it at a store where people are constantly watching the cameras, and second, don't be completely obvious about it. Here's how it went down:

1. Little old lady walks in and pays for one thing.
2. Little old lady takes between 8-10 bags and walks out to get a cart..
3. Little old lady walks in again and goes straight to the pharmacy and proceeds to stuff each shopping bag with Ensure (drinks for diabetics...?)
4. Little old lady walks out with over $100-200 worth of stuff
5. Little old lady puts things in car
6. Little old lady walks back in, buys more stuff and leaves.

Day two:

1. Little old lady walks in.
2. Little old lady shops..
3. Little old lady goes to pay but is shocked when manager pulls out a pack of Ensure and says "Recognize this?" ...
4. Little old lady gets escorted out.

Okay, it was absolutely pointless for me to write all that, but you have to admit that it was funny.

Considering where I work, it's probably not surprising that so many funny things happen when I'm at work. But of course, along with all the funny stuff comes all the sad stuff. I almost broke down in tears the other day.

I was checking out an elderly couple, and as usual I greeted them and tried to make a little small talk but for some reason they weren't really talking back. I figured they were just 'grouchy old people' and decided to just hurry up and finish their transaction. As I was finishing up I heard the wife say, "Ron! Ron! Are you paying attention?"

"Yes I am! Whada ya want?!"

"Get the grocieries! ..Ron! Get the groceries!"

I was starting to get angry because the old man wasn't paying attention and the old lady was just demanding him instead of simply asking. I grabbed the bags and handed them over to the man one by one and he politely took each one and said 'thank you' over and over. A little confused I got back around to my register and started the next transaction as the older couple headed down towards the doors. The old man stopped by the exit and leaned on his cart while the lady came running back as if she had forgotten something.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Thank you very much. And I apologize for everything, Ron has alzheimer's. "

I was speechless. In that one moment all my anger went away and all I could think about was what an awful person I had just been. I hadn't said anything rude, but I still felt terrible about all the mean things I had thought. I wanted to cry but instead just told her that it was no problem and I hoped she had a nice day.

It's moments like those that I know God sends me to remind me that He's always watching. That he knows what we're feeling, thinking and wishing. God sends us those moments not only for our benefit, but to keep us in check. The little old couple was a reminder for me. It was sent to remind me that patience is one of the fruits of the spirit. One of the fruits that I need to work on. I can talk the talk, but so easily forget to walk the walk.

It's time I change some things. My grandmother has had symptoms of Alzheimer's for over a year, the doctor hasn't officially said it's Alzheimer's but he's constantly checking up. That couple could have easily been my grandparents and seeing how I would have treated them absolutely disgusts me.

If I could, I would go back and start over, but since I can't do that, I'm just glad I got to learn from it and hopefully become a better person through it.

I have so much to write about, but not enough time to do it. Something good is coming soon.

"When you do a good deed, make sure you know who is benefiting form it; then what you do will not be wasted. You will be repaid for any kindness you shoe to a devout person. If he doesn't repay you, the Most High will." Sirach 12:1-2

I Slept On Cardboard the Other Night.

Lent is over.

I can't decide if I'm happy about this or sad. I started Lent giving up a lot of stuff. I gav up coffee, sodas, candy and anything else that is 'bad' for you. After two days I gave up on the coffee thing because I am addicted. I had these horrible migraine headaches and I just couldn't take it anymore, although I stayed strong on the not eating anything bad part of it. After three weeks of this I started to really think about Lent and then realized that what I was doing wasn't for God at all and that I needed to change my lifestyle before things got bad (again). So instead of giving things up, I took things on. I challenged myself. I told myself that by doing this I would 'get better' and honestly, I'm glad I did. That's pretty much all I'm going to say about that because that's as personal as I'll get, but the whole 'taking things on' and challenging myself really made Lent more of a 'God and Bella' type of thing. It was a more personal experience and I truly enjoyed it. I just hope I can keep up with it.


So anyways, on Thursday night I went to this lock-in that I've been trying to go to for the past three years (it always gets cancelled) and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty much awesome. I'm not going to say it was life changing, but it was an eye-opener. We always see what homeless people go through, and we can sometimes even relate to the poor... but to actually spend a night outside in the cold and on the hard ground, it was just 'wow'. That's pretty much the only way to describe it.

I'm staying very pretty much surface level today because I feel like pretty soon I'm going to break. Any little thing feels like it could send me off the edge, but at the same time I feel like I need to write it out. Here goes nothing, but it's the nothing that's on my heart...

We talked a little bit about Richard at the lock-in. It hurt but felt good at the same time. I thought I was over him, and I want to be over him but something is holding me back. Richard has all of me, and at first that was okay, but now there's this new boy and he asked me out so I said yes. ...The thing aobut that is that I said yes because he asked me out, not because I actually want to be his girlfriend. Actually, it's not that I don't want to be his girlfriend, I mean he's a great, sweet and amazing boy, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be with him. I just met him. I like him, but I love Richard.

I love Richard.

That's my problem. Richard was and is my biggest mistake. How can I learn to forgive myself when I gave Richard the one thing that I told myself my entire life I wouldn't give away. I can't forgive myself, that is my real problem. I'm not even sure I love Richard, I just hate myself. I don't feel good enough for anyone else. I shower everyday, but I never feel clean. I don't know what it is. I've drawn a blank.

I don't think I can write anymore for today... Jacob is great, I'm just being dumb. I have to give him a chance; maybe he can be the boy that proves all others wrong. I need advice.

I'm so confused, my heart is aching

I don't know what I should do.

One mistake, my world's been shaken.

I shouldn't have listened to you.

Love's a lie, it's nonexistent,

But still I feel it next to him.

The hugs and kisses feel so distant,

I'm sorry babe, it's all so grim.

Trying hard, my best foot's forward,

I am sorry, but I can't commit.

Being with you just feels so awkward,

When I kiss you, I'm kissing him.

It hurts so bad, this barely started,

But we can fight for what it's worth.

It'd be much better if we both parted,

I'm too selfish, too full of sin.

Okay, so poem sucked. It's what's on my heart. I have a feeling I'm going to be taking this one down. It's an honest blog, but a personal one too. Any advece for me friends? ...It's obvious that I need it.

Peace,
Bella

Mission Accomplished.

Spring Break is almost over and I'm sitting here wishing it could last forever. First off I have to say that I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish over Spring Break. Happiness.

I did a ton of thinking and 'figuring out'. I realized that I don't belong in Plano, TX. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing city, and I am forever grateful that I started up here, but I don't belong here. I don't know where I belong, but I know it' snot this place. I belong some place where everyone knows each other and relies on each other. One where high school education is enough to give you a voice, where people count on how smart you are, not your level of education... Again, don't misinterpret what I'm saying, college is my number one priority (aside from family, God, etc.) but it most definitely wasn't for my parents. They went to college, just never finished. Plano is not a place for them either. Plano is a place for big CEO's and people that make money without even trying.

I don't belong in such a snobby city. I presently work for Wal-Mart, a company known for its weird people and for supposedly being a sweatshop. I'll admit that I'm sure some stores are like that, the one I work for defeats that stereotype a million times over. Iget paid over nine dollars an hour. I know that's not too much, but if you think about the fact that they will not even allow me to get near the dumpster, cardboard compactor, trucks, or sell alcohol or cigarettes because I'm not 18 yet, that is more than enough money. I stand at a register and move my arm back and forth while talking to the brats that I have to consider "...first. Always."

Plano is just not my kind of city and customers are definitely not always first. Sorry Wal-Mart, but in case of a fire I'm saving my ass before anyone else's, I have bigger and better things to do in my life. None of it involves Wal-Mart or Plano.

On the other hand, I've met the greatest people while living here, people that have taught me to live my life to the fullest and have helped me to survive. Many of which have actually lived their entire lives here, some that are ment to live here. Some I've met because they've been down and out in the same situation as me, others through my church and many through the schools I've gone to, and in all honesty, I truly don't think that I would be alive right now if I hadn't met these people. For that reason, I am eternally grateful for this city.

Either way, this place has taught me countless life lessons that shape the person I hope to someday be. The person that I'm working on becoming.

On to a different subject, but hang in here with me because I promise it all comes together in the end.

I did a lot of 'friending' during this Spring Break. I've been told that when you're feeling down you shouldn't stay all cooped up in your house because that only makes you feel worse.. Makes perfect sense I guess. (:

So other than bike rides and just hanging out with friends I also went bowling with the 'everything skit team'. ...That's what we call ourselves but really we've all just become great friends, almost like brothers and sisters. Anyways, after bowling we decided to go to IHOP. It was... interesting to say the least, not to mention the fact that there was a group of three adults and seven children (all under 8) eating there at one in the morning...?

BUT, where I was going with that was that somewhere in the middle of throwing straw wrappers and picture taking someone said something profound. Who would have thought that a group of college bound teenagers would have anything meaningful to talk about. I can't remember who said it or what led them to saying it, but I'm glad that they did.

Life is easier when you're a good person... You actually have to try to be bad, but when you just live your life the way God made you, you're bound to be a great person and have an easy life. It doesn't really matter what you do in life... If you're here to wash dishes, then love washing those dishes and do it to your best potential; life is much better that way.

At that moment, and I don't know why, I thought of working at Wal-Mart. I realized that I like my job right now because I make the most out of it. I enjoy hearing the stories about all the rich and famous people they've met, but I especially enjoy the ones that come from the crazies... Those people make my life so much better. I like almost everyone I work with and try to have some fun even with the ones that get on my last nerve.

People have asked me how I get by so easily. Truth is that I don't, not at all. Life is not easy unless you make it easy. I don't like where I live or even how I live parts of my life, but one thing I strive to remember to do is follow God and wake up every morning thinking "Today is going to be a good day". ...And on the days that aren't so great I go to bed thinking that 'there's always tomorrow'.

"Life is easier when you're a good person... You actually have to try to be bad, but when you just live your life the way God made you...life is much better that way."

~from a wise teenager sitting at an Ihop at 1am.

Mission: Happiness

I've spent the past two days trying to find something interesting to write about, but nothing has really stuck out with me. I've skipped having lunch with friends because I wanted to take the time to reflect on just life in general. The only conclusion I came to was the fact that I hadn't been doing enough for Lent and that I desperately need a break.

Originally I wanted to fast on the weekends for Lent but the second I passed the idea by my mom it was turned down. I figured that would happen so I narrowed it down to just Fridays but she still didn't even budge a little bit. She made me settle for just giving up soft drinks. I was content with that for a week but then I realized that in reality I don't really drink sodas anyway and I knew it wasn't enough. I tried doing the no coffee thing but that still wasn't enough. Now I decided to go completely against what my mom wants me to do and do the no fast food thing. I usually pick something up after school so that I have time to eat before going to work, but I feel like I need to give something real up for the remaining of Lent so I guess that's what I'm going with.

This morning I was listening to the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning Show and they were doing a bit on 'What Three Things You Would Change About Yourself''. Kellie was talking about how much she envies women who are big and can still 'strut their stuff' and be happy with who they are. I realized that I envy those women too. At some point in the past few days I decided that I want to start working out again but I don't really have time considering that I already get up at 7 and don't get back home until at least 10 and then all I have time for is homework and stuff. This is why I decided that all next week I'm going to go on those long bike rides I love. I'm hoping that I can get some of my working out out of hte way and then in someway feel better about myself. I think I've been feeling this desperation for something more because I need to raise my self worth and need some good conversations.

People at school don't seem to enjoy serious conversations. I think that's why I rather talk to older adults reather than my best friends. I rather talk about life, God, and how awesome it is to be in the middle of nowhere enjoying yourself than gossip or talk about a party and other stupid teenage drama. My sister tells me I'm an old lady stuck in a teenage body but I say I'd rather be that and be happy than pretend to be someone I'm not. Lately I've been putting on a great show to make people around me happy, but I on the other hand am not very happy.

I'm going to take Spring Break to find my happiness again. I have to get myself back on track.

Anyone up for 'happiness finding' with me? :)

I turn 18 in less than a month! And unlike the past several years, my birthday does not fall on Holy Week this year! I'm sorry Jesus but I'm incredibly happy to be able to celebrate my 18th birthday. Hahaha Two years ago I was told that since my birthday fell on Easter we weren't going to sing happy birthday on my birthday but the day after instead. That was no fun.

Anyway, I'm praying for something good to write about. Something that's worth your time because I know I've started to turn this blog into something more like a diary. I don't like writing diary blogs. :)

Something good will come soon. Promise.

"I wanna get away..."

There's something about the Getaway Retreat every year that makes me want to become a better Christian. Everytime I go I feel myself growing more as a Catholic and a Christian.. I wonder if that happens to everyone or if it get's to a point where you've filled up with so much God-ness that you just stop growing... or maybe that's when you realize that you've gone so many times that you might as well just become a minister. ...It's a possibility okay.

This past weekend has taught me so much about myself and has helped me open up and get closer to a lot of people. I said 'love' a ton this weekend, but I mean't it so I'm okay.

The small group I taught was ridiculously quiet except for a select few. Leading them helped me become a more patient and assertive person. I had fun those kids; I only hope they did too.

Adoration was incredible as usual. There's something so moving about being in a room with so many people that believe the same thing you believe and sitting in front of Jesus himself, it's just amazing. ***Funny side story: At one point during adoration a girl started to really scream and cry, and the one thing that ran through my mind was that she was probably a mentally challenged girl who was having a hard time dealing with it all, I prayed for her as I'm sure many others did. On Sunday morning my friend asks me what it was that happened and I told her what had thought it was. She told me she thought that maybe someone had just told her that maybe her father or someone close had just died. She said that if that happened to her that's how she would cry. At that moment our friend Marissa came up to us and said "Girl, what happened to that one girl last night?! It was so scary! The first thing that came to my mind was that she was being possesed and that maybe an exorcism was happening in the room... I started to really pray my little heart out!" hahahahhaha. Okay, funny side story is over.***

I'm so grateful to have such awesome mentors in my life and so many people that are there for me no matter what...

The only problem is that everytime I get away from home I realize how incredibly happy I am when I'm not there. Then I come back and it's all back to the same routines, the same competition, and the same halfway empty hole. I'm desperately searching for something more, something better and real. I know it'll come, but I wish it'd come faster.

Writing is a form of prayer and at the moment I'm going to write until my little hand can't take it anymore. I need it.

Remember, use your talent and turn it into something wonderful; praise the Lord with whatever you've got to give Him.

Today I woke up to the wonderful sun warming my face, it was a beautiful "spring-ish" day and I was determined to get sunburned (considering the fact that 'tan' seems to be inconceivable to my body). I was laying out for two hours shivering and thinking about how pathetic I probably would have looked if anyone saw me... As soon as I gave up and decided that Facebook was calling my name more than the cold but still beautiful day, it got cloudy out. I really despise Texas weather. Oh, and if you were wondering, the picture above is one of my brother and I when we first moved to Puerto Rico, as you can see, we haven't changed much. :)

So officially, Isabella has no chance of looking any darker or, I should say 'less white', before retreat.

I pray that retreat goes well. I'm extremely nervous about a lot of things but I think it'll be great.

Today I found an old friend on Facebook, it made me realize how much I miss not having a job, not needing to work. I've missed out on a lot in the past year or so, but I'm ready to get it all back, I just hope everyone else is able to understand and accept me now.

I really miss some things.
"There is no God like you, O Lord, not one has done what you have done." -Psalm 86:8