And my heart turns violently inside of my chest...

I'm sitting here, on my father's recliner, forcing myself to write what's in my heart. The song I chose to play is "He Loves Us" by David Crowder Band. Finally, after a long long time, I am forcing myself to feel. Well, not really right this very minute, but earlier today. There's something about putting feelings into words and actually saying them that is extremely liberating.

"And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

And I don't have time to maintain these regrets 

When I think about the way

Oh, He loves us, yeah, He loves us..."

Those are some powerful lyrics.... Talking to someone today, we were able to piece together how I've felt lately, and I didn't say anything but as she was speaking I was picturing exactly what I've been seeing in my head for so long but not admitting to myself. I don't know how to work through it all but it's good to know I'm not crazy for picturing that...

Picture a beach with white sand, steaming sun and perfectly clear water. There's is no one else at this beach but me. It's completely empty yet feels crowded. I see myself looking out into the beautiful water, it's so peaceful. In the distance, pretty far out into the ocean there is a wall. I see this wall and I used to think it was part of my weirdness, but judging by the tiny bit of psychology that I know, I can piece together what it means.. And I think it makes me more normal than anything else. On the other side of this wall I see everyone and everything and that's when I realize why I feel like it's crowded. They won't stop trying to climb over... And although I know my wall is sturdy, I'm afraid that something will break through it, and deep inside I know how I'd feel if that happened. It's a lot and it makes this beach feel packed.

This wall is put together by bricks of different colors. It took along time to put up. Each brick a different color, each color a different hurt, betrayal or experience in life. I've built this wall to be very strong and I haven't let people past it. The few that I have let through have, over time, become additions to the wall, making it sturdier, more durable. 

I broke through the wall a little bit today... Or at least chipped it. And it felt good, great actually. I can't say that it'll be something that'll happen every day, week, etc. ...but hopefully I can keep working on it because the only way I'll ever work through the pain is by breaking down this wall and just keeping a picket fence. I like picket fences, especially white ones. They are welcoming yet show a sense of protection. They say, "Come in, but know that if I see you jumping over my picket fence I will feel uncomfortable". If I had a picket fence I'd make sure the wood was splintering. (....or splinter causing..? Not sure how you'd say that!) I'd make sure it'd be painful to jump it. 

Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button. No matter what, I know He loves us. I know I'm forgiven and I know I've granted forgiveness. The trouble is forgetting... That's always hard to do. 

Keep dreaming of tomorrow.

Love, 

Bella 

PS. I know He's also on the other side of that wall... and He's fighting all my demons, begging me to come through the wall and trust Him to shelter me. I have to swim through the pain to be able to get past it. The hard part is swimming and not drowning. 

"You know what you gotta do when life gets you down? Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming swimming swimming. What do we do we swim swim swim."

~Dory, Finding Nemo

**Now I have to work on the 'allowing myself to cry' part.**

Mayor's Back-to-School Fair

     "Have I not wept for those in trouble? Has not my soul grieved for the poor?" 

Job 30:25

     I have never been thrown off by another person 'neediness' because to be quiet honest I have lived through most of it myself. When we first moved to Texas we experienced the late rent and "pre-eviction" notices, the debt collectors, cut off power and cell phones bills, etc. My parents have gone hungry 'in order to be able to feed the kids', and we know what it's like to have one or both parents unemployed. It's never easy, but we have felt loved through it all. 

     Today we volunteered at the Mayor's Back-to-School Fair in Dallas and it couldn't have been a more humbling experience. We got there at around 6:30 this morning and there was already hundreds if not thousands of families lined up to receive their free school supplies.

    There's only one catch to the fair... In order to get the free school supplies each student (or at least one person per backpack filled with supplies) has to go through several 'stations' before getting the supplies at the end. These stations include education, health and social services such as free dental cleaning, vision screenings (with free glasses if necessary), haircuts, immunizations, a book nook, Coca-Cola products, games and entertainment for the kids and other informative/interactive displays and activities.

     My brother and I were stationed in Line Control for the Wal~Mart Vision Screenings and blood tests; this basically meant we were going to be translators for everyone filling out consent forms for the kids, keep in mind the parents were encouraged and allowed to have everyone in the family tested including themselves.

    I can't tell you how humbling this experience was. There were times where I wasn't only a translator, but a scribe as well because the parents would tell me they simply didn't know how to write. The smile on the kids face when they found out they were "finally getting tested" was so heartbreaking and warming all at once! For the first two hours it seemed like everything was perfect, the families were being taken care of and everyone was happy, but once the first big wave came through, the mood and overall ambience changed drastically.

     Almost immediately I could tell when parents no longer wanted to be there instead had to be there. Keep in mind the only prerequisite that these families need to have is proof of income (or a Lonestar card, food stamps, etc.) and dallas residency, so it really isn't hard for people to get in. Right around nine parents started asking why they couldn't just get the free supplies and leave and if it was possible to do their own screening but not their kids. "I can take them to Children's if something happens to them", they would say. Do they not realize that even if they can do that in case of emergencies, they can't just take an uninsured child to the hospital for a regular physical? Do they not see the opportunity they were getting when being offered free eye glasses?! I was getting angry at these parents, but who am I to judge their parenting? I don't know what they've been through... Or at least that's what I kept telling myself.

     Not too long after that, I was helping a woman fill out the forms for her and her three children. The emotion that built up inside of me when she had to ask HER children their date of birth was so powerful and I was caught so off guard that I had to excuse myself because what would have come out amidst the tears would not have been pretty. What can lead a mother to be so neglectful of her children?! Sadly, she wasn't the only one. My heart broke to pieces when a boy of about four or five looked up with big eyes at his mother and said, "You don't know my own birthday, Mommy?" .....She replied by saying that there were too many of them. 


     That same woman signed a consent form for herself and one of her kids all the others were left waiting. I just don't even have words for how little of a person I think she is. She is a monster more than a human being. If checking all the kids takes too much time out her day, than maybe she should not get her eyes checked and let one of her meal tickets get it done.

     I better change the subject because I could go on forever about bad parenting.... All in all it was a wonderful day! The fair serves about 15,000 students each year and I'd say I was there for over 8,000 of those. I already can't wait for next year!!!

     On another note, I had a very real conversation today that left me feeling...pained? Since I used that word, I have to say it's a good bad kind of pain. It's the kind that's so real it's liberating, but at the same time so frightening you just don't know what to do or where to go.

     I think this is a step forward, or at least I hope. No promises. I've been feeling pretty empty inside lately, or simply not feeling at all; it's about time I feel something... I think this is something, for now at least.

More on this later..?

Peace and prayers.
<3 Bella

PS. "You can't run when you're holding suitcases..." Dara Maclean

HOPE.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

     

     Around here lately it seems like the brighter the sun shines the darker the world gets, and maybe it's the heat but the arguments come more and more often and they are less and less intense. Everyone's tired, and that's not ever a good thing.

     I'm praying for the right words tonight because I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, but it's been said that when in doubt one should 'write what you know'. Well, what I know lately isn't anything worth writing about. What I know is painful; it's lies upon lies and hatred. I know that I don't know and I know that I'd give anything for stability. 

     There are three people that I adore that are suffering right now and although I don't know what is hurting two of them, I've been praying like crazy that whatever it is goes away. I've ran like hell and sat down begging God to take all their pain and transform it into something beautiful. I've prayed to take everything of their shoulders and put it on mine, but sometimes that's not a great idea. I know that too, I learned the hard way. 

     I know that meditation is a great way to free the spirit, but lately it's been feeling like a jail. I sit and think, open laptop to turn my emotions into words and all of a sudden, everything I've come up with gets sucked right back in only to be let out at the worst of times. 

     I've learned to be alone also. I've learned to look for God in the hardest of times instead of hoping He finds me. I've gone to church on days that aren't 'obligated', I've sat in an empty sanctuary fighting with my Maker, my insides screaming for His love. 

     In the silence I have found the answer to the questions that have been asked several times, "Isabella, why don't you ever go out with your friends like you used to? Why are you always at church? Why don't you ever just go out? What happened to so and so?" 

     Well, it just so happens that my friends have changed. The old friends are nothing like they used to be, and to be honest, I'd rather spend a night cuddled up in a blanket with a book seeing a world I'll never know but won't ever forget than going out and doing things I'll never remember. And since when did church become a bad thing? Since when is it not okay? The people I've met there have changed me, they love me for me and not anyone that I'm not. They share my morals and beliefs, they love God and see the beauty of being human. 

     I don't know where I was going with this post, but then again I never know. I've written several drafts and have given up on most. I was supposed to write a letter that I haven't written yet, and I think that might be what's keeping me from feeling. I don't want to feel anything right now, but I know that I need to feel it all.

     I know two things are certain: I wont give up and God is fighting. That's all we really need.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wHIUfEOnJc  This video keeps me going through it all! 

Warning: This post may not make sense to anyone but me. :P

After something left me pondering today, I looked back at an old blog and found something that dates back to March 27, 2008. The title of the post was "Something Simple":

"Good." She looks at me and smiles. "Just wanted to make sure you could say it." I try to smile back, but the corners of my mouth now feel too weak to even resemble a smile. I try again. Feelings of happiness and shame are running through me. I am content to have finally said it, but the shame, the shame of knowing what I did simply takes over, and it hides it all. I had gone six months. Six awesome months. Half a year of not worrying, and in an instance I let it all go. 

But of course, I accept it. This is me.

Turns out that I went through the exact same thing twice today. Funny how we can feel things but not express them, know things but not admit them... There's something liberating about being able to just be real with someone, anyone. 

A certain someone and I were playing text Truth or Dare tonight and got to asking some pretty deep 'truths'. On one of them, the question was, "If you could change one thing about yourself would you? If so, what?"  I answered with a pretty general answer so as not to give out the 'wrong' information; truth hurts sometimes and we tend to stay away from it. After sparking his curiosity I quickly said, 'Next question!' to which he replied, 'I think I have a clue but I'll let it go, I choose T[ruth]'.

My question was, of course, 'Okay, you think you have a clue? Take a guess!'

To my surprise, this boy had remembered a Facebook status that I wrote probably over a year ago in binary code about the certain answer I had given him. He was absolutely correct about what I was thinking when the only thing I had said were these exact words: "Hmm, well the one thing I would adjust, not fully change, I'm already working on :) And you can find out after it's done. :P Not during." 


Now, I'm not posting this in order to make you wonder what we were talking about, although some of you could guess, I'm sure. There's more to it than meets the eye. Our conversation goes hand in hand with the one from my previous blog post and the one I had with someone earlier today. Why is it so hard to speak the truth?

Sometimes I wonder if that's why it was so hard for Peter to stand up for Jesus when the time came. He knew the truth, he felt, he stood up for it behind closed doors, but when it came time to actually say it, to live it... It became just like how we live our lives today. Suppressing feelings and emotion that we bring out only when we can be sure that it's safe, away from judgement and shame.

I've learned that sometimes it's okay to feel that shame. Sometimes we need to feel it. It keeps us real, keeps us alive; it keeps us being how we were created to be! And let me tell you, when you find the courage to admit that you are broken, that's when you'll begin to feel the greatest joy there ever was.

Only God is perfect... But we were made in His image. 

P.S. I was also extremely impressed that this certain boy remembered something I posted in binary code over a year ago. I'm starting to believe in Disney movies again! 

...And on a different note, since I began with an excerpt from the very first blog post I wrote, I'll end with one also! 

I am an ordinary girl.

At least I would say I am. Others, on the other hand, would say that I am the furthest from ordinary. What is ordinary anyways?? If ordinary means having to wear the popular brands, and having to listen to AND own the popular CDs and appliances, then I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be different. I want to make a change in the world. I'm not going to say that I want to stop hunger, and that I want world peace, because those are the obvious ones. Those are the ones we all dream about, knowing it will never happen.

I want to show others the power of the Lord,

and how it can come through in everyone.

I want a chance to teach.

A chance to learn.

All I ask for,

Is a chance to be me.

 

Their Love, Our God

     Today was the first day that Father Bradley gave the 6pm Mass at our parish, and just like all other 'first-days', it was obvious he was nervous. All in all, it was a good Mass; he speaks extra slow, but I guess it's not his speed that matters, it's the quality of what he says... right? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind long Masses whatsoever, I just get anxious when there are so many random loooooooong pauses.

Anyways, what I really wanted to write about...

     There is something about a love that two souls share that leaves me speechless; when the two souls are able to add a third without leaving anyone out... that's true beauty.

I'm not talking about polyamorous freaky stuff.

     Sitting in front of me at church tonight was a couple a bit younger than my own parents, but not by much. They held hands throughout Mass, and at one point the woman put her arm around the man's hips while he kept his tightly around her mid-back. They are obviously still very much in love. It fascinates me when people, after being married for so many years, can still keep the fire burning (or at least lit!)... How I wish my future holds a love as true! 

     When it came time to go up and receive Eucharist, in my opinion the most important part of Mass, I began to feel like their affection was a bit much and it was time to calm it down. They went up to receive God's gift to us, His son's most precious sacrifice, and we followed soon after. 

     Kneeling at our pews I watched as the couple sat down, kneeled and held each other. The man with one arm around his wife's stomach, as if protecting her entire being, the heart, and most importantly, her womb. His left arm cradled around her back and met his right hand with his fingers interlocked. 

     She laid her head softly against chest, fitting perfectly under his chin. Her arms wrapped around his body, tight but not as tight as his. She was allowing him to protect her, although neither was overbearing or showing more strength than the other. 

     Most captivating of all was the way the couple prayed together. They held each other in with such devotion and love, together looking up at their maker, praying... as one.

     I just don't know how to explain it, but I wish you would have been there because it truly was out of this world. I felt like an intruder more than anything else. Although it sounds like I was all up in their business, I promise I stayed out.

     I hope to someday share in a love like theirs; it was stupendous, majestic, crazy, sacrificial, beautiful, and holy. All that a marriage should be. 

Peace to you tonight, 

Isabella

Sitting in the Silence.

    The explanation for this post is short, and it will be kept short. :) Last night I thought of going to the chapel, but I stayed home because it was late and I got scared that even though it was a church, there are still bad people out there and 'you never know'... Plus I wasn't going to tell anyone that I was going, so I decided to stay home. Well, reason I was going to go in the first place was because I really wanted to write but I had a bit of writer's block going on and I couldn't think of anything to write.

Right before bed I said a a prayer, opened my laptop and wrote three lines. Nothing more would come to me so I gave up and went to sleep. Well, I woke up this morning and thank God I had my laptop already opened to 'Pages' (the equivalent of Word) because the rest of this poem just poured out from the inner most part of my heart. I must have been dreaming that I did go to the chapel because honestly, nothing can really explain what made me write this... Well, I guess my short story got made long after all. Here's the poem He made me write...

Sitting in the Silence

Sitting in the silence,

It’s the loudest that it’s been;

See the walls around me

As they’re slowly caving in. 

Alone my thoughts surround me,

They are screaming for my Friend

I look up and say a prayer, 

Stay away from how I’ve been

Not too long till He’s beside me

Calmly whispering---

“In this empty chapel, Love,

You shall never feel alone,

It’s small, and you’ve come late,

My Love, but for you I will postpone.

I’ve spent all day, all week and year

Just to meet my bride again

So please wont you come near, Love

And tell me how you’ve been”

Well... This is kind of weird God,

I don’t really see You as my groom,

Aren’t I supposed to get married,

And have some kids, I presume?

“You’ve been my child all your life,

But now I think you know,

That once your earthly life is over,

I’d like you all for my own; It’s a bit uncanny,

Love, but it has been so long...Don’t you remember 

At fourteen, we changed a stone for a cross?”

My God! That was a promise ring,

I told you that I’d wait, 

But now you’re asking for too much--

To marry YOU instead..?

Listen, God, I’ll tell You what,

Why don’t we part for now?

I’ll raise a family of my own, 

We’ll go to church, 

Learn about Your Son

We’ll build a home,

Where others will gather,

We will sing Your songs

But I’m sorry Lord I just can’t 

Marry you now! 

“Don’t worry my dear, And please don’t cry...

I’ve waited a lifetime, I really don’t mind.

I’ll send you a Lover,

And you’ll start a new life,

You’ll have a daughter

And I’ll make her my wife.

Remember, when you’re ready,

That I’ve waited so long,

Since fourteen I have been waiting,

I’ve been singing you my song--

‘Oh how beautiful you are, my darling!

Oh how beautiful you are!’”

Don’t start this now, I can’t bear to hear,

It’s late and I should go,

And I know it’s been a while, but...

Sitting in the silence,

It’s the loudest that it’s been;

See the walls around me

As they’re slowly caving in. 

Only my thoughts surround me,

They are screaming for my Friend

I look up and say a prayer, and I

Tell Him how I’ve been

Not too long till He’s beside me

Calmly whispering---

Celebrate Freedom.

"What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." 

-Eleanor Powell-

      Celebrate Freedom and the 100 degree weather was the recipe for a steamy love affair between me and my Maker. 

Scratch that.... Praise and worship always leaves me speechless. I don't know how to describe the love that goes through me, in me, in my soul when I hear myself along with others (whether it's a group of five or 500) sing a love song to our Savior. Here are some pictures and videos of our evening, I had a blast! 

Waiting in line for Chris Tomlin...

The group...

-Antonio, Isabella (me), Alex, Robert-

Chris Tomlin...

     I was going to take pictures of Switchfoot but while we were waiting in line we were told that we were the cut off point for people that would "for sure" get autographs. They said that two of us would get through and that the other two might so it was our call if we wanted to stay in line. Well, Switchfoot wasn't going to disappoint fans and decided that they would come to us. I took a video and yes, I was awestruck with most of them. :P 

Here's Chad, Jon, Tim, Jerome and Drew (not necessarily in that order):

     I have so many videos of the concert, but it would be pointless to post each one. I have to apologize ahead of time on the quality because they were all taken from my cellphone; as it happens most of the time, I left my camera at home on the day that I most needed it. Here are some of the concert videos. 

"Our God (Is Greater)" 

Chris Tomlin

I like this one because of the sheer joy on my brothers face, the camera catching was a total accident...

"Sing, sing, sing"

Chris Tomlin

   "Forever"                                                                     

   Chris Tomlin                                                             

Last Chris Tomlin video... Best one:

"Indescribable"

Chris Tomlin

While we were getting everyone's autograph, we met a cowboy named Cailen (sp?) that goes to Happy Trails Cowboy Church. He wrestles Steer before service and everyone that goes to his church is a cowboy/cowgirl that wears a hat and boots. He looks like he's our age but no... he's 14. 

Yes, we were sweaty. It was hot. 

I don't know why it looks like I'm clenching my teeth and forcing a smile... I didn't think I was...

Okay, Switchfoot... Switchfoot was loud, amazing and umm. LOUD. :)

"Unity is a struggle... a fight of me looking out for me.. and you looking out for you."

Switchfoot played their new song, "Restless", but Blogger is not letting me upload it. Jon moved into the crowd to sing it which made it increasingly harder for me to record. It didn't take long for a boy that was quite a bit closer to him to ask me if I wanted him to record it for me. He held my phone up for seven minutes and I could tell his arms were tired. He doesn't know how much I appreciate it. Thank you, stranger. I will attempt to upload it again tomorrow. IF it works you will find it here, if not check out YouTube...

We will show the world our love for Him... I just loved seeing everyone with their phones up! 

This is one of their most popular songs... Umm. Also, can YOU play your guitar with your TONGUE?!

"This is Your Life"

Switchfoot

And finally the 'encore' (of course after they did the encore we wanted another one!).... Also, surprise and beautiful ending! 

"Dare You to Move"

Switchfoot

All in all, even with the heat, the bugs, and me wearing SKINNY JEANS to an outdoor concert in the middle of Summer in Texas, it was a fantastic night. Here's the pictures of the fireworks as well as our goodbyes! 

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